at 15 (A son's letter to his Dad)

just wanna share this dramatically funny letter to everyone... oh the things you could do when you're young, and innocent, and uhhmmm... clever?!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report Card, That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.


(parang bagsak lang sa school. hahaha!)

my week's soundtrack: why can't it be?

-"it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along..."

my take on that: it's sadder when you're carefree and you found that "right one" yet you can never be because he belonged to someone else.


-"bukas nalang kita mamahalin..."

my take on that: seriously?! do you expect me to wait for you? or even wish that your current relationship will go kaput so i can have my chance with you?! hahaha... sorry but no, i don't think so.


-"torn between two lovers..."

my take on that: grow up! don't be too dramatic. you're confused because you have no backbone. for once, have the courage to know what you want and who you want and then decide. make a choice.

-"why can't it be?..."

my take on that: stop questioning. if you can't be, then you were never meant to be in the first place. quit asking and move on. maybe cry for a while but step forward so you can find that someone you can freely be with.


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the ball

i entered the ballroom and was astounded! the chamber was filled with men in their black ties.

they were dancing the Tennessee Waltz and i was just comfortably looking around- enjoying being a wallflower. and from the dim corner where i stood, i saw him. Prince Charming. he was dancing with his partner but he glanced at me. and i glanced back. he smiled and i smirked.

then i felt something. it was like magnet. though i was resisting the pulling force towards him, he excused himself from the dance-floor and headed toward me. we exchanged pleasantries and instantly felt the connection. we didn't have to talk that much to know we read each other's soul. i have never felt so sure about someone. he hinted me that he was feeling the same.

we were enjoying our little moment when the music played again.it was time for the Rose Dance. he went to get his red rose and walked in the center of the room; his partner waited for him there. suddenly i realized i was no longer enjoying the ball. i should be happy seeing prince charming and his partner dancing the lover's dance but there was just this stinging feeling. and to my surprise, just before prince charming handed the rose to his partner, he picked a petal, went to the point where i was standing and gave the petal to me.

he looked at me with intensity. he didn't have to say the words; his eyes told me everything. and it would have been okay. yet, he opened his mouth and said "i would have wanted you for a partner but you came in too late. and now, i would have to finish the ball with him. otherwise, i would have wanted you to be my partner. i love you but i would have to leave you- for now."

then he walked away. slowly headed off toward his dance partner; gave him the rose, and danced.

and there i was, the wallflower that saw a spark of love and became a damsel-in-distress.

maybe it's time to go home. who knows, outside, i might just bump into my own prince charming during my departure. or maybe, i would just have to wait until i receive another invitation to join yet another ball and find my perfect match.

hoping to write my and-they-lived-happily-ever-after story; if not soon, then maybe someday.


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fleeting love?

sorry. i have to take out the contents of this post out of respect.

although, i banked a copy in my personal folder. as well as the subsequent record of the intense chat i had with "cuddly". i want it to be cherished by me and only ME.

.

ooooppppssss! mom did it again

i was oh so determined to live independently and never come back. though i will indisputably miss my room, my bed, and my pillow, i couldn't swallow living under the same roof with someone i dislike.

things were working just fine. matter of fact, i thought not being home was way, way better and cooler than being confined in your own abode. in my tita's dwelling, i get to wake up whenever i want, eat everything that's on the table (food served the moment i open my eyes), stay in bed or watch tv the entire day without getting that you-haven't-done-any-chore-today-so-get-up-and-wash-the-dishes look. i'm loving it! correction: i loved it.

predictably, mom sent me a message. the type that would really hit you right through the deepest pits of your conscience. she said she talked to papa and everything's okay. and just like that, i went home.

i am home. but i have a strong feeling this won't be the last home-coming i'll have. i gave mom a warning though. next time she better come up with a very convincing pretext, the kind that she hasn't used before or i would no longer believe, or pretend to believe her. *sigh* moms! they always have a way to make you melt down.

i'm just thinking what she will come up with the next season?! HA! and BTW, i'm still not talking to the other parasite!



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FOURnament

got these definitions from encarta:

four
1. 4: the number 4
2. something with value of 4: something in a numbered series with a value of four, e.g. -a playing card
-the four of spades
-throw a four
3. group of 4: a group of four objects or people
-a four for bridge
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

tournament
1. series of games: a sports event made up of a series of games, rounds, or contests
2. mock fighting: a sporting contest popular in the Middle Ages in which knights took part in jousting or combat, generally with blunted weapons
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


so, four intoxicated people taking part in a private jousting or combat [generally with blunted weapons (see above definition, hahaha!)] is surely having a FOURnament! a hot, hot FOURnament!

who? go figure!

I came, I saw, I conquered! as Julius Caesar succinctly described one of his victories. but for me, i would have to shout "I came, I saw, But I didn't cum!"

so take me off your list. i should be omitted. i'm no participant. (defensive much?!)


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premature dancing

and it came to pass that on the afternoon of the eighth, after wolfing down some dim sum dishes, i found myself marching in the labyrinth streets of colon alongside csi.

it drizzled but it didn't stop us from roaming around the city.

we turned right in a corner near sanciangko street and were heading toward what seemed to be a jam-packed establishment where i saw people in their teens -must have been college students in their p.e. uniforms- lining up eagerly. i couldn't quite understand what was happening so i fixed my eyes on their direction as we are nearing their point. i looked up to see the signboard as we passed the queue of those carefree souls with backpacks. i was confounded.

an open disco house at 5pm?! i haven't heard of that some seven years ago when i was still a student in a nearby university. during my time, we loved to parade to clubs and rave at midnight. we won't party unless we're dressed to kill. but now, teenagers are different. disco at 5pm while still modeling the p.e. uniform seems to be the "in" thing. although skipping lunch just to save money for the after-class drinking session with friends isn't really new at all.

now, aspiring to experience discoing at 5pm. anyone wanna rave with me?


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room 517

it was october 8, 2010 at around 5 pm when i met my soul sister.

after almost 30 minutes of walking around and searching for that hotel where he checked in, i found myself in front of a building situated in the most populated place in cebu. i'm no visitor but i admit, even if i've been here since, i could still get lost in the downtown area. my feet started to ache and i was really glad to have finally found the place! i had to check the name on the message he sent me and the signage just to make sure though.

it was positive. i've found the right point. so i went straight to the lift and knocked on his room. and there he was! csi in the flesh! he shouted my name and gave me a high-five. i went inside and we chatted some more. it was funny how i felt so close to a person i just met [physically] minutes ago. maybe because we were chatting and texting and calling each other since. we shared stories and other typical girl stuff. eerrr... gay stuff! whatever! hahaha... but really, there wasn't a bit of awkwardness.

then he went on to check something on his lappy. and the next thing i know, he was prodding me to sign up for planetromeo. and so, i did. he taught me the basics in maneuvering the site and within seconds, i was able to chat with someone- was of the schmuck-kind and i lost interest, i stopped. csi then logged in to his account and almost instantly found someone good enough to be a prospect. he made a phone call and set a place and time for the meet up.

freshened up, we found ourselves stepping on the footpath eager to see our new "friend". once we were on the spot, a guy in black polo shirt introduced himself. he was james, 21, from bohol. we were discussing on where to go when james said he's meeting up with another friend in an hour but we could come with him. we did.

we met kenneth, james' friend, in mango ave at around 11pm. he was the guy in red shirt sporting a mohawk hairstyle. csi and i were just waiting from afar when james approached him. they talked and in a split second, he got introduced to us by james.

we had karaoke over bottles of red horse, then we crossed the street and ate [sisig, pancit, and calamares], and went on to order 2 more towers of beer. and then they got tipsy and things got a little bit blurry. we decided to leave the place. i thought we're going on separate ways but surprisingly, we rode the same cab (okay! i wasn't really surprised. i kinda expected that). all four of us. we waited in room 517 for morning to come.


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clash of the parasites

thursday. if i only knew how to transform fury into something artistic, i could have done a mash-up of madonna's "papa don't preach", and "how dare you" by basia. it would have been like this:

papa dont' preach!
:how dare you talk to me like that
papa don't preach!
:if you're not careful I'll get mad
i've made up my mind
:Let this be a warning
and now you make me want to scream!

it started with a small discussion about household chores that led to a big, ugly clash. i'll spare you the details but the bottom-line is: he had issues with my unemployment and me not helping mom in the expenses anymore.

i was not angry. i was irate. i was foaming at the mouth!

he need not tell me that! i know! he hasn't been working since i was 8. if not for mom (and the help of my mom's family) my sister and i wouldn't have earned a degree. yet, he had the nerve to tell me i wasn't able to contribute anything at all, and that if there was any help that came from me, it was that i helped surge the electric bill due to my constant use of the computer and the AC. (all the financial aid i gave to the family while i was still working has become part of the bibles' lost manuscript.)

that ticked me off. i just don't want to argue anymore. silently, i packed my clothes and left.

nag "mariah CARRY" nang gamit si clande sa kalagitnaan nang gabi at nakiusap sa kanyang santa-sanTITA na 'dun na muna makikitira habang nagpapalipas nang sama ng loob. wish ko lang someday mag ala maricel soriano si mader at sabihin sa kanyang hubby ang line na "i don't need a parasite! get out! get out!"

but for now, "independent women" ang trip kung kantahin. gotta find a good-paying job soon!


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rehash

before i run on with my octoberian narratives, let me just have this as my "P.S." for my september notes. i wrote an entry the day this happened but i was hesitant to post it then. alas! i scrapped the entry and now, i'm writing a new one.

last sept. 19, 2010, i had the pleasure of meeting "kyano". that was sunday, during the feast day of Sto. Thomas de Villanueva. after the meeting at the church, we went straight (i'm not referring to our sexual preferences) to a small stall near the park and had a drinking session. we had a really good conversation. there were just a lot of things to talk about.

that was back when i was so overdramatic about an online relationship that died. somehow, retelling him the comprehensive story gave me an overview of how things have been and it helped me move on- fast!

on a more personal note: kian, thanks for holding my hand when i needed someone to do so. you were the friend that stood by me during that sad- now irrelevant- episode.
waka-waka! no more dramas! hahaha...



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AWOL

i haven't really been able to blog since october 1. was only able to log in once and that was just out of my excitement to meet my friend csi in person.

a lot of setbacks, hitches, challenges, or whatever [you call it!] have been strewn on my path lately.but i'm still here. trying to move forward. striving to make it. though i admit, there are times i fear for my sanity.

so the next posts would be snippets of of thoughts and things that took place from the start of the month up to today.

who's in for a staccato of episodes?


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CSI: Cebu

my "soul-sister" is coming to Cebu! and oh my! i'm just so giddy with anticipation.

we've had the itinerary. made plans- and back-up plans. we've set expectations (not too high). put clothes in order. and we've counted days.

i cant wait for the stories we would be sharing. i'm looking forward to the adventures we would partake. and of course, the possibility that we might detour somewhere for boys! (kidding! i know he's attached and it would be immoral to lead him to do some dirty stuff. but on second thought, who am i kidding? it's my friend csi!; therefore i'm absolutely positively certain he'll do some sort of moonlighting when he's here. HA!)

well, it won't be long. i'm so certain we'll have a blast! but for now, i'll just try to kill time... is it october 8 yet?


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sus dong! tagalog?... (Epistaxis!)

someone emailed me and asked me why i don't write in tagalog. it made me think.

"bakit nga ba?"

sa totoo lang, 'di ko alam. kasi kapag nagsusulat ako, naririning ko ang sarili ko na nagsasalita sa loob mismo nang utak ko. kung ano yung naririnig ko mula sa "inner voice", 'yun lang din ang sinusulat ko.

kagaya ngayon, habang sinusulat ko to, tawa ako nang tawa. eh kasi naman, bisaya ako. baloktot ang tagalog. matigas ang dila. kung naririnig n'yo lang ang boses na nagsasalita sa utak ko, tyak matatawa din kayo. parang pinaghalong elizabeth "pesteng yawa" ramsey at annabelle "dong/day" rama. hahaha...

pero sige, paminsan-minsan susubukan ko. salamat sa email "_ _ _ _ _1184@yahoo.com"

but while i'm still running through my tagalog, let me share this tagalog song that i like very much. it's cheesy but i heart it!





.

intoxicated calculations

a few hours more and it would be october. i just got home from a drinking session under the moonlight with a few childhood friends. the moon was lovely. i stared at it for several minutes and i thought how long it was since i've done it (moon-gazing).

up until this very moment i am still holding the picture of that beautiful glowing ball and it's pale light. so romantic! my heart frisked as i was adoring it's splendor.

and out of the blue (though i had a feeling it's because of the alcohol again) i came up with this thought:

-i fall in love too easily. however, it would take me at least 2 months to get over an ex.

-i believe i'll be saleable until the age of 40 (to people who go for face-value and physique); although i firmly believe i'd be good even after my expiry date to those who are after great companionship ("in fairness" wahaha!).

-if i had 2 past relationships, and i'm presently 26 years old, i could come up with this:

40 (expiration age) - 26 (my current age) = 14 [years i have to market myself]

supposing that the maximum duration of my future relationships would be 4 months, and i would have 2 months of wailing and mending after each relationship, i could come up with this:

4 (trussed time) + 2 (recovering period) = 6 [months spent in every relationship]

so,

12 (months in a year) x 14 (years) = 168 (months i have left to incite people)

then,

168 (available months for lashing) / 6 (months spent in every relationship) = 28


THEREFORE i conclude, that if i limit every relationship to 6 months (inclusive of the recovering period), i could have 28 relationships until i'm 40. if we factor in my 2 past relationships, i would have a total of 40 "love and heartbreak" experiences.


hhhhmmmm.... something worthy of note.


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philo: a fella? or fellator?

i wish i saved the exchange of messages i had with philo (next time i will so i could post it here). he's someone i used to work with some 5 years ago. Philo and my ex (digimon) were my constant chat-mates via our office communicator then. we were great multi-taskers; doing our jobs while endlessly babbling.

we were doing it every working day and it came to a point that digimon got a little jealous and prohibited me from chatting with him. and so, being the love-fool that i was, i stopped it. but, since philo had no idea what was going on, he stopped chatting with me too and started visiting me in my station every single opportunity he had. but then he got an irresistible offer from another company and he left.

we kept our communication though by texting. there wasn't anything special between us. for me, what we have was pure friendship. although, there were times i felt it's more than that [and i wasn't the only one who noticed. digimon won't stop teasing; telling me that philo had something for me but i brushed it off].

philo is one person i could hardly tell what the preference is. at times, i could be judgmental and would have a sure opinion about everybody around me. but philo is just puzzling. he tells me about girls, cars, and gadgets. but at times, we would talk about gender sensitive topics and he would verbalize his opinion like he is one of us. we had countless conversations- personal, thru office communicator, texting, and of course, ym and fb chat (mind you, he would always be the first one to greet whenever i'm online). but i still can't make up my mind on what he is.

and so it came to pass that a month ago, upon learning that i have become a loafer, he insisted that we meet up so we can do some sort of career counseling. and our scheds wouldn't allow it. and just yesterday, we finally agreed- october 10. and i quote "let's meet at around 5pm. we'll have coffee. my treat." and i asked, "what about dinner?". "okay. and the dinner after."

wahahah! promise, his treat would only be coffee and dinner. i'm going home after that. or maybe until he answers if he's a fella or a fellator. kidding!



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September mourn

it's the last day of september. i must say time flies even when you're not having fun.

and since it's the last day of the month, i looked back on the events that cropped up as i was riding the "gt express" on my way home today.

i smirked as i remember how dramatic i was with that fragmented love affair. but i admit; i was really affected- slightly. it was my first time to try an online relationship and i almost gave it my all. good thing i'm totally over that schmuck (sorry for the term. that's the exact word i used weeks ago when i was still hurting and bitter. but i'm totally okay now so i guess the term "ex-friend" would be more appropriate).

and as i logged in earlier, i realized i missed my goal for september. i told myself i would post some 20-ish entries for this month. HA! i was dreaming.

it wasn't all failures though. there are a few "private victories" i've experienced. plus a God-sent angel by the name of enigma sent some financial assistance. that made me happy.

but in entirety, my happiness meter is still slightly pointing to the dejected side. looking at it closely, the rotating needle is just a few lines away from the area that indicates happiness. so it isn't that bad after all.



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Sweetest Cousin

i have but a few memories of our childhood. with the fact that you lived in the city and we (me and my sister) grew up in the clan's ancestral home, we never really got to see each other as often. glancing back on our early years, i remember a few summers we spent together. one time my sister and i stayed in your abode and we played with your pink little kitchen set and at some point had a petty fight because you won't let me borrow jennifer (your cute and cuddly baby doll named after that jollibee commercial- “Mommy, nawawala si Jennifer!”). and yes! who would forget that summer when you stayed in our house and we all played atop of the bed when unexpectedly, our bamboo floor gave up and they had to pick us up from underneath. oh! i could still vividly remember the look on our faces then; our lips had gone pale and our hands were shaking. we got scared for a while but then we just laughed about it.

come adolescence and we got busy with too much teenage stuff. at some point, we lost our connection. it was like you went on a hiatus when you stopped showing up with your parents on their regular Sunday visits to lola and lolo's house. i've heard you got busy practicing with your school's DBC and/or doing school stuff. but i didn't mind. i got busy discovering a lot of things about myself at that point as well.

and then the great shock! you were having a baby at age 17. our family's reaction was somehow predictable. they questioned you and so did i. but i must tell you cuz, deep inside, i was smiling at that point. i knew we got busy exploring the same things then and there (we have a slight age gap you know, so i could pretty much relate. HA!). the only difference was you got knocked up while i didn't; i couldn't be. no matter how hard i tried. :)

that was when i started to really admire you for your courage. i know it wasn't easy for you. the uncertainties and the fears that motherhood brings, i've never seen them in you. they said you were too young, too immature to be having a baby. but for me, opting to keep the baby was a big leap you took to be matured enough. but that's all water under the bridge. now, i'm just so proud to have a beautiful cousin who's also a mother of a cute little princess.

you left for canada about 3 years ago. and with your visit last May, i know a lot has changed. you are more responsible now. more sensitive to other's feelings and needs. you've become wiser and stronger. you've truly bloomed from an inexperienced and nonconformist young girl to a compassionate and fine woman that exudes beauty inside and out. and i couldn't be any prouder.

[thank you for keeping in touch (got really teary-eyed with our chat earlier). thank you for the emotional and financial support that you so willingly and proactively give. i know words aren't enough, but i say this with utmost sincerity- Thank You Geng! i love you cuz!)


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the "JV offer"

i was writing the previous post earlier when i got a message from my friend, mwhajul. he told me to check out the messages in the cbox. so i did and found this:

24 Sep 10, 10:31 PM
Jv: Clandestine that's my friendly offer. i will wait for your reply.
24 Sep 10, 07:51 PM
Jv: sorry, if you woul allow me to, i can send it to you. just return it when you get a new one. post your email and i'll message you personally.
24 Sep 10, 07:50 PM
Jv: Clandestine i'm so sorry to hear about your phone. i would allow me to, i have a spare phone that i no longer use. it's the phone i've been using before i got this new one. you can borrow it for now.

this was a response on my "busted" post. Jv, it's a very tempting offer! i would love to say yes but i would rather not. don't get me wrong, okay? i know you only had good intentions but here are my views on this:

1. you might just be playing some sick tricks on me (paranoid much?!). seriously Jv, i just find it hard to believe there are still people out there whose very much willing to extend a helping hand. i can't remember helping someone to this extent so if this is good karma, then it might have boomeranged on the wrong person.

2. i don't have a job right now. well, it's actually more of me not feeling the need to have one anytime soon. but the moment i realized my phone isn't working anymore and i need a replacement, it made me jump the gun. it gave me the push to move and aim to get back to the corporate world. and i'm afraid that if i'll be provided with another phone without working hard for it, i might become dependent and i'm might slack off again.

nevertheless, i would like to say THANK YOU (major, major thank you) for the offer. it's true- people are naturally good and kind.


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22 candles

yesterday:

i realized that if i want something done, i should make it happen. i should act rather than wait to be acted upon.

i immediately went inside my room after that realization and i pondered. i imagined what i want to happen in my life. and i wrote down goals i want to achieve and things i want to acquire. and it occurred to me... maybe that's why i was so disappointed when i did an evaluation on my life some months ago; i didn't have a set of clear goals and list of things that i wanted to realize and complete. i was just promenading. i worked hard but since i had no clear goals, my efforts were wasted and i didn't get that far.

so there i was, patiently penning down what i call now my new "life purpose". my realization reconfirmed the importance of paradigm shifts; of rescripting my life; of creating changes for the better. the things i wrote would serve as my map as i go on with life. and i'm pretty sure i now know where to go and how to get there this time.

today:

i woke up feeling lighter. the very moment i opened my eyes, i let out a smile and i thanked the Almighty for another chance at making things right.

my imagination was working like crazy! after some time i wasn't thinking about meeting mr. right, or experiencing carnal pleasures with god knows who!; or getting even with people that hurt me. i was so happy to even think about those. for only today i was able to totally grasp the power of imagination. it could take us to planets we never thought could exist. it could help us visualize an uncreated worlds of potential that lie deep within us. i felt like i am so ready to back in the corporate world with the new me.

so at around 2pm i found myself on the portals of the the historic basilica minor del sto. niño. remembering a friends recommendation, i bought 22 candles and uttered my petitions to Him. (a correlated tale: i'm not sure if this is true though, but that friend told me that lighting 22 candles is a jewish tradition done during hanukkah- a "festival of rebirth" and miracles.)

[okay! i didn't personally utter my petitions. i paid an old lady who was selling candle sticks near the basilica. i told her what i wanted to ask from the heavens above, paid her, and stayed by her side as she danced bringing those candles to and fro, up and down, then sideways; while she was murmuring things i assume was her prayers for me. i didn't like the thought that someone would have to do the begging for me. but what can i do? that's the tradition. and i compensated for that and i said my personal little prayer as well. but maybe that needs to be changed too.]



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my week's sountrack: i'd rather leave while i'm inlove

sometimes you have to walk away... when gripping too hard starts to hurt so much, sometimes it's best to let go... when you can't be happy being together anymore, it's time to turn your back, head on opposite directions, and continue finding your happiness in the arms of someone else...

sometimes others hold on too long that when they decide to end the relationship, roots of bitterness and hatred had penetrated in their hearts. and when that happens, it would be impossible for the pair to become friends for old time's sake. often, bitterness gets the best of us and we blame ourselves for being so stupid; for picking the wrong person. we cry and feel so low. it truly is hard to say goodbye. but isn't that on the other hand, saying "goodbye" means a brand new start? yes, we have to say "goodbye" to someone who had somehow became a part of our lives so we can say "hello" to that one person who would complete us; that very person who would make us whole again after we've been broken into pieces by our past failed relationships.

and yet, sometimes, it's not just enough to have the courage to let go and end things. i believe that it is equally important to know when to leave. love might be gone but while there is still a wisp of that special feeling, while respect and compassion is still in the relationship, it's best to leave...



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busted...

i must say, with a lot of friends around, i'm having a faster recovery from that ruined relationship. an outpouring of support came from my online friends. from my co-bloggers (specially Jay), to the regular guys in "starwowtv" (nesty, mwahjul, ken, andrei, andrew, hornybottom, kyano, cutecebuano, wexki, jigg, and uhm.. happy, where are you?), to some readers i've only known recently (passerby- the guy who left a message on my cbox; i will have another post for you self-righteous bastard! hahaha)

i feel like i'm now completely back on my feet. it was like nothing happened that i wonder every so often if i've ever loved at all. the pain's gone. i would have wanted it so stay longer so i can still dramatically wallow in agony and anger. but i woke up today and it's vanished. God! two night's ago, i was wailing like i was a victim of the manila hostage drama that had a bloody end. i over reacted! [or is it that acceptance wasn't that hard for me?!] i've wasted much tears for nothing. so anyone, puhleez! shoot me! now!

broken heart's mended- easily! i was happy. until another problem occurred.



i was talking to a friend earlier today and suddenly my phone died. i tried turning it on but it wouldn't. since 2005, i've bought 4 phones with my own money. the one i was using earlier was the very first phone i paid for. the succeeding three phones were lost. so i had no choice but to resort to my good old phone. sadly, it retired just like that! and since i don't have any purchasing power right now, it could take some time to get a replacement. what a loathsome way to goad me into finding a job!

right now, i'm cussing! (just in my mind. i occasionally do mental cursing.) who wouldn't?!

first, a broken heart.

then, a busted phone.

what's next? a cracked skull?! c'mon!...



.

truth to be told...

i know i've been pretty much boring lately. emotionally low. down. sad. too weak to even get out of bed. and yet i claim that i am in love!. so if you're not in for a long, nonsense yak about online love and flirting, and emotional rants, and exposition of hurtful accounts, you can skip this post. but i promise this will be my last.

i'm writing this at the risk of "him" reading this. i do not wish to solicit pity from you readers. i just want to share what i have been feeling for quite some time now. i'm afraid that if i won't let it out, i will implode. and i don't know what's gonna crop up from that.

*deep breath* and here i go:

it all started well. a few chatting from then "starcybertv" (now starwowtv) chatroom. and with the prodding of my friend jay, i gave my number to NB and we started communicating over the phone. it was followed by several nights of loooooong conversations, of happy laughters, of sweet nothings. and yes, we admitted we were falling for each other.

a day before maria venus raj (22, philippines!) almost grabbed the crown for miss universe, NB was kinda hesitant about having the relationship because it was of the LDR kind (i was hoping it will just be for some time because he said his going back to cebu as soon as some stuff gets ironed out in cagayan). a valid, nevertheless, hurtful point. so i agreed. i stopped communicating but he continued sending me messages everyday.

it was august 26 [to be exact] that he admitted that he can't bear it anymore. he said i've changed since and he missed me, and our talks, and whatnot. he asked to give our up-and-coming relationship another chance. as hard as it is to admit, i fall too easily and by that time [too early on the relationship], i already have stashed some feelings for him -i said yes again.

so we were on again. happy. enjoying the getting-to-know-each-other stage. if i were to base it on that moment, everything looked rosy.

i became so busy with him i can't barely log in to check on my blog. then one afternoon, just when i decided to write something for him, i happen to check on the chatroom (which happen to be on the top right side of this blogspot) and i saw him logged in. he was chatting with people whose names i do not recognize. and that made our first argument. i was jealous. my point was, i've come to know him from that chatroom. we didn't know much about each other then, but we felt like we clicked and boom! we wrapped up as a couple. so him continuously logging in there would be very risky. no!, risky would be an understatement. it's like throwing yourself in an ocean full of hungry sharks -jaws open- eagerly waiting to suck your dick err... tear off your flesh before you could even create a splash on the water. that's the exact reason why i decided not to log back in after we were officially on. there are just so much temptations. but for him, it was otherwise. he dismissed my point as baseless. he said he was just there to chat with old friends. i don't want to sound too possessive or insecure, so with that, i said it's okay. i was hurt, but at some point, i felt i was being mistrustful so i killed the feeling and let him be.

things were getting back to normal a day or three after. but, one wednesday night [more of like thursday dawn] during our exchange, he mentioned that someone messaged him thru downelink. it was a guy from cebu who thought he was still here and told him that he was in a fastfood chain near the address he posted on his profile. he said he tried to call the guy but he wouldn't answer. and then it occured to me!, supposing the guy answered, and he was in cebu, what's gonna happen next?! he said he didn't mean anything by calling. he just wanna know if the guy had a nice voice. but then again, supposing the guy really had a nice voice, what's gonna happen next?! he couldn't give me a convincing answer. i felt bad about it; i dropped the call right there.

i didn't wanna be so dramatic about it but i felt really down. the situation was telling me that the guy i'm loving is so still into flirting. three days passed and there wasn't any communication. then, on a thursday night, i received a message from an unknown number.. it was him telling me that he was using his cousins phone. he thanked me for everything. told me he's going somewhere far, on a mountainous area- like outskirts of the city, to think things over. to put everything behind and to move on with his life. but when i love, i love. and just like that, i resolved to calling him. and we had a short conversation. (i think i mentioned this on a previous entry).

no phone, no internet connection, no conversation. it was like that for a week! it was hard. but i held on to it.

i would have wanted things to be just like that. and that would have been okay. within those days, i was trying to understand. i was trying to love him more. but the fear that he might not come back, fear that he might have some unfavorable realizations after his "soul-searching" trip scared me. and i became paranoid for a while. it was a roller coaster of emotions and it was just too much for me to handle. and i found myself logged in into the chatroom once again. and friends told me NB had chatted with them and asked them to tell me he missed me and that he loves me. hearing those made me happy, but something deep inside couldn't be glad enough. maybe because hearing is different from really feeling what's been heard. i cried because i felt something inside is dying- it was the "me-loving-him emotion". it was on it's deathbed. whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is obviously wrong.

but i didn't want to give up just like that without really trying -trying hard for that matter. so, as foolish as it may seem, i resolved to dialing his number every chance i get of every day despite the fact that he doesn't have a mobile phone at this time.

i had my luck yesterday afternoon. his phone rang! somehow i was glad my efforts didn't prove futile. i rang it twice! i sent a message and i got a reply-

"wla pako fon b, nki insert q. nagw8 q na ma process akng unli. naa man ko rewards so gtudluan q sa akng kauban unsaon pagpa rgstr. hulaton sa nq ma proces na ala pko nagpalod ky ala pa fon. unli ka?"
(i still don't have my phone, baby. i just inserted my simcard [to a friend's phone]. i'm waiting for my unlimited call/text promo subscription to be processed. i have reward points and my friend taught me how to register and use my points. i'll just wait for it to be processed. are you on unli call/text?)

i wasn't. but i was longing to hear his voice and talk to him again. yet more than that, i wanted to have a conversation with him to asses if the feelings were still there. and so i called. he answered the usual way. but i've assessed that he wasn't all ears. i felt he was distracted but i brushed that off and proceeded with the conversation. i learned that he is now working in a hotel, and that there were a lot of hotties in the workplace (he said it jokingly, and, i wasn't jealous- for the record) and that he can't talk to me for long because he is waiting for his workmate and new-found friend to get out from the house so they can proceed to somewhere where they will bond with the rest of the hotel stuff. he said he might go online when he's home.

and so i waited. and online he did!

i logged in and was struggling to ride the disarray of chatters on the room. he seemed to be enjoying all those hi's and hello's and and some blahs from a few nitwits. and i felt my heart ache a bit. it seemed that i have been neglected.
after seven days of no conversation, we only had that 30 minute talk and late night chat and he wasn't prioritizing me at all. but alas! -after i don't know how long- i finally got a private message from him. he told me he's tired and he had to work early the following day. i said i missed him and i love him. and he replied with an i miss you too and i love you too. and it sounded obligatory. then i asked him when can we talk again. he answered "tomorrow. or bisan kanus-a. depende sa mood" (tomorrow. or anytime. depends on the mood).

that was the answer that killed it. the straw that broke the camel's back. i didn't know how to proceed anymore. good thing he said he wanted to rest already and typed exactly as written "gudnyt! miss U, LabX u". and then logged off. i moved my face closer to the monitor and stared at the page for a few more seconds.

then it hit me. the X could be a typo or a hint of what i would soon become to him- an EX! and suddenly i felt my hands, who were then positioned on the keyboard, were wet. i stared up on the ceiling and no it wasn't raining and there wasn't any leak on it. then i i realized- i was crying yet again.

[that dramatic episode on the last part happened last night. right now, i'm still a bit hurt. i realized that for the past days, i've been denying the fact that NB's love for me had waiver. and maybe he's just having a hard time telling me that. i was too blind or i might have refused to see the fact, and it was hurting me in the process. but as they say, happiness is a choice. and i chose to be happy. as a matter of fact, as i am typing this entry, i could clearly see NB chatting and flirting and apparently doing "shows" for his fans on ym. i wanted so badly to interrupt and log in and tell the people in there that he is taken. that he is mine. that he hurt me. but what's the point?! if he is like that, i cannot control him. and stopping him might just put me in a bad light. i just don't want to argue anymore. if he's that, i'll let him be. and if him being like that doesn't make me happy, there is always a way out. so i'm letting go. i have always been a believer of the phrase "it's the lover not the love". and this?! this might just be another attempt at love gone kaput. but i'll keep on loving nonetheless! :)]


.

odium...

i hate it that i don't have a job to distract me right now.

i hate it that it's pouring hard outside and that this room is dark and cold.

i hate it that you're not around... that you're not even there to talk to.

i hate it that these days, every time my phone beeps or rings it isn't you.

i hate it that almost every time you cross my mind, dusts would get in my eyes and they would start to cry.

damn! i guess i just hate missing you.



.

enchong deed

my day got too boring. i've watched movies, talked to some friends, did a few household chores, and ate anything i could find in the fridge.

tried searching for some old college friends on facebook, twitter, myspace, and friendster. had no luck.

but i unexpectedly found something interesting from myspace. it was enchong dee's profile. turns out, he's not only a pretty face but a sensible person. here's something he wrote on there.

CHANCE OR CHOICE When we meet the right person to love when were at the right place at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice. That's also a chance. The difference is what happens afterward. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back; you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to u.

and i saw these pictures too!






could he be the 'he' he's referring to in the line "If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance." intriguing? nah, just loving him for this. go enchong!



.

my kind of demigod (sweet distraction)

since loverboy is away, i decided to play.

yes! i pushed the 'play' button on the dvd player after i inserted the percy jackson disc.

i've watched the movie plenty of times already and at this stint, i'm not in it to relive the story of the lightning thief; but rather to experience the shudder that logan lerman brings! he never fails. everytime he looks at me with those eyes, flash that shy smile, and stare a second too long at me, i become someone with catatonic schizophrenia. and i'm loving it!

(note: Catatonic Schizophrenia is a rare disease form in which the patient tends to remain in a fixed stupor or position for long periods, periodically yielding to brief spurts of extreme excitement. the only known cause is logan lerman- at least in my case.)

while loverboy is temporarily unavailable, half of my heart longs for him. half! -because percy jackson not only stole the lightning master bolt. he also got the other half of my blood pumping vessel.

by now, loverboy might be dipping in the spring and enjoying the views from the mountains. and i'm here, enjoying a different kind of view...

since loverboy is away, i decided to play- the wholesome way! :P

the week that was.

this wasn't a good week for us. we had two big debates. but that's all settled now. (i'll spare you the details)

we had not texted/called each other for two days after our last argument.

it was thursday night when i got a message from him thanking me for everything and telling me his leaving for a few days and would be in hiatus from logging in in the chatroom (where he get to communicate with other friends and PLUs), and in texting/calling me. the break from chatting is okay; errr... i've been hoping for that secretly. but him not texting or calling is a big no-no!

i have always been a believer of honest and gentle communication in resolving even the biggest of issues. but since i got angry the last time we talked, i've been stopping myself from doing any form of interaction until we both would have a clearer understanding of each other's view on the issue. truth to be told, it's been rocky for us the entire week; and him leaving and thanking me for everything might mean that this will soon be over. so i replied asking him where he's going; careful not too sound too dramatic. it there was an available emoticon for 'poker face' on my phone, i would have inserted that on the message.

the reply led to a chain of text messages, followed by a quick talk over the phone, and continued through online chatting that lasted until wee small hours. the long and the short of it, we reconciled and cleared things up. but he still had to leave to join the trip to somewhere outskirts of the city though -family stuff.

apparently, the place of destination is not within the coverage area for most mobile networks so there is a possibility that we might not be able to communicate for the entire duration of his trip. i cannot argue on that. so i'll let that be.

now, i'd better go and think of things to do while loverboy is away. *malicious laugh*



.

half-boyfriend

love! i smell it! and i'm lost for words. i've been staring on this blank white page for hours! i wanted to right so much more about you; about us; about this thing that we have. i just don't know how to start. and if i start, i'm afraid what i have to say won't be enough to fully capture what i have been feeling lately.

so once again, let me just express it in a song.

(note: the line "you’re a cockblocker, you’re a loudmouth bitch, and a big talker" doesn't apply to you. but the rest does!)

i love you my half-boyfriend! :)









.

humming...

this one's for you baby. i can't sing but just listen to your heart and you'll hear my voice. i can't play the guitar but just close your eyes and imagine me strumming for you and you alone. and it goes out like this-





You're a spark of a long forgotten fire...

You're a touch of a slowly growing wind...

You're a taste of the ever-changing seasons

Telling me there are some things that don't end...

We have left all the darkness far behind us...

All those hopes that we held along the way

Have made it to this day...

Like an old love song

Gone for much too long...

You hear it once again

And it carries you away...



.

love and mango float....

it's a day prior to our fiesta celebration and everybody's occupied doing chores, putting things in order and running errands. the neighborhood suddenly turned from ghost town to higgledy-piggledy quarter. and as expected, some houses turned their speakers on for that "private" karaoke session that turned out to be a torture on the eardrums (our nearest neighbor had a daughter who doesn't seem to realize she doesn't have the pipes for singing and keeps on belting songs fit for divas. when she's about to reach those really high notes, she either shouts or caterwauls. HA!)

if you can't stop them, join them! right? so there i was, amidst the chaos (it's an understatement i must say) assembling my mango float while listening to mellow music in full volume! i'm trying to enjoy making my dessert. spreading happiness on every layer of graham crackers; pouring love on every layer of cream; and hoping for sweetness in every slice of mango i put. topped the pile with crushed grahams and it's perfect!

perfect. my life almost is, at this point. after a year of being single, i feel it's about time to take another chance at love. i've redeemed myself from that really bad heartache. right now, i'm prepared. i'm ready to feel that feeling again. i'm ready to take another risk. once more, i'm holding on to a hope that it will be a lasting love this time.

there's someone special right now. we're still in the 'testing the waters' phase but i hope this is really it. i don't want to think about tomorrow or what the future brings. i have today to love and be happy about.

yes, here i am again. smiling... thinking of him... enjoying my mango float... and listening to my all time fave song. i'm sharing it to those who are seeking after love. for those who are just waiting for it to come. to those who found love and to the one's who have been found. hahaha... love rules!

one less worry...

yesterday, i finally faced san-san (my ex-boss). it was the meeting i was dreading to happen. i was afraid that if we talk, everything would turn out bad. i've heard stories from ex-office-mates and some weren't good. but he keeps on sending a word that he wanted to talk to me. and i was getting sick of hiding. i knew sooner or later we would meet somewhere unexpected and that would be awkward. i wouldn't want that.

so there i was on a saturday late afternoon calling his "secretary" trying to book for an appointment, preparing my speech 'til sun down. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and programmed all my systems to battle.

turned out my formulation on how to talk, how to act, etc. were unnecessary. he was all nice and smiling when i faced him. what happened was contradictory to what i've been expecting all along.

i explained about my sudden disappearance and inserted my alibi (sickness) and told him i would submit my resignation asap for formality. but he assured me there isn't any need to do so. instead, he said that if ever i happen to find a new job and i would like it there i could just inform him and that will be fine. he stressed that i would always be welcome to work again for him. given my health condition, i could report for thirty minutes to an hour a day and head home. if i get better, then i could do three- four hours and go home after. and that should apply until i would fully recover and work full-time. he is doing this because according to him, everybody in the company wants me back.

tempting offer. but no, thanks. and it was really nice of them to want me back. but who wouldn't?! i don't wanna brag about what i do or what i'm capable of doing. but there are people in there that's being paid way, way higher than me and yet they barely have any workload. if there's anything under their scope that's tedious, or grueling, or taxing, they pass the load to me reasoning either "i really don't know this but i'm sure you can find a way" or "i'm extremely busy so please be a darling and do it for me".

we had coffee after the talk and san-san told be about his others plans. he's a nice employer. too bad i wasn't happy being his employee anymore. but i'm really glad we had that talk. that was my sort of "closure".

now i can focus on my future plans. i feel light. i have so much hope now. as per my cousin enigma, "fresh start"! don't we all just love having one from time to time?

choices...

according to derek christopher shepherd (of grey's anatomy), the human life is made up of choices. yes or no. in or out. up or down. (i'm adding top or bottom in the choices for PLUs). and then there are the choices that matter. love or hate. to be a hero or to be a coward. to fight or to give in. to live. or die. live or die. that’s the important choice. and it’s not always in our hands.

i'm not going to be mellowdramatic about it. surely, to live or die is not for us to decide. but in a lifetime, we can only have so much choices.

i admire people who live their lives knowing that they have options. people who believe every event of their being is a result of the choices they make, of the decisions and preferences they think would best benefit them. i think highly of them not because they always make the best choices [because there can never be a guarantee of a perfect choice] but because they have the courage to own their lives. these type of people are so strong that even in the deepest pits of shit, they always have control, they always know that there are choices, that there are decisions to be made, and they can always get out of it.

alas, there are people who are aware that they have choices but they don't wanna make them. and more unfortunately, there are some who doesn't even have an idea of their power to make choices at all. they're people with no backbone. too weak to make a stand. always afraid to commit mistakes. they depend on luck to help them run their lives. and when circumstances aren't turning on their side, they blame God, or pass the fault to other people, or to the weather, the frogs, cockroaches, or to whoever and whatever they can think of.

choices... we have them. all we need to do is to choose carefully. and once we've picked one, we should live with it. but then again, we have a choice not to.

mulling over: if being straight and being gay is a choice, is being bisexual a result of not wanting to make a stand? or is it standing by the choice to have more than one option?

[an unrelated tale: i have only 6 registered followers on this blog but lately i've been receiving private messages/comments from people who i never thought would be reading this baloney. but really guys, i could only thank you. i'm happy to know you're enjoying this. please feel free to leave your comments or you can email me at clandestineplanet@gmail.com (hahaha! feeling sikat?!) God bless us all! :) ]




.

to where?

rainy morning...

the first thing i heard when i woke up was the sound of rain landing on the rooftop and some knocking on the glass window. it was pouring hard. and i managed a smile because it seemed that nature is persisting what i have been feeling for days now.

last night, and several evenings before, my mind was cloudy. i felt like a captain manning a ship in zero visibility. i couldn't see where i was going. i couldn't even point out exactly why i decided to sail in the first place.

a month and nine days ago, after i recovered from a recurring fever for six days, i decided not to report back to work. and i've had several reasons- small pay, poor benefits, rotten environment, and including my discovery of some loopholes in the financial statements that i believe were done intentionally to dig up some cash from the company's funds by God knows who!

since i didn't sign a contract with them in the first place, i didn't bother sending in my resignation letter. but i did inform them i'm leaving thru my aunt. i alibied being sick and that i was advised to rest -indefinitely.

[a short backtrack: the company owner, a japanese national, is my aunt's friend. she mentioned me to him, and i was then asked to assist in managing the biz. excited to have some career growth (and my very first day-job), i gave up my post in a call center. i don't know if it was a wise decision but i got lesser pay with a higher position.]

i was working directly with the owner's trusted assistant cum company president. and it's difficult to get a word to the japanese national specially if it has something to deal with exposés involving his assistant. and yet, after he learned about my sudden "disappearance" from the company, he called and wanted to talk to me personally and said that he's still willing to accept me if i decide to go back. i said we would talk one of these days but i can't seem to muster up some courage to face him. i'm afraid i wouldn't know what say, or how to say it, or how not to say anything, when we would be talking.

there are days that i would feel the "wanting" to report back to work. when i'm haunted by the thought of being broke, i would look at my phone and would try to resist the temptation to call and tell them i'm gonna work again. but i have other plans now. i've started my application for an immigrant visa to canada. and i've started training for a home-based online marketing work. at this point, i feel like i have to sacrifice what i want to do now for what i want eventually.

as for san-san, my japanese boss, i know i would have to face him soon and tell him straight to the face that i'm not going back. but just not now. i'll face him whenever i'm ready. and i'm gonna be ready whenever i feel that i am.

a month and nine days ago, i've untied the ropes, pointed my boat into the wind and raised my sails. i left an island in the hope of finding a continent. i'm sailing on rough seas now. there's no piece of land in sight but i know it's there -somewhere.

it was gloomy yesterday. and it's pouring heavily now. there's nothing else to do but to stand through the storm, brave the lightning strikes, and hope. who knows, the sun might just come out tomorrow (annie? is that you?).

whatever happens, happens. and as long as i know my way home, i will be fine.

[Jay, thank you for putting up with my non-sense issues. i value and treasure the guidance coming from a senior manager. we've known each other for barely a month but feels like this friendship kicked off ages ago. surely, you don't have to eat the entire cake to know how it tastes like. here's to a great amity! Hakuna Matata!]

[to my cousin, enigma, thank you. you may be far but i know you feel me. i love you cuz!]

could have been...

♫"Lately I have had this strangest feeling,
with no vivid reasons here to find.
Yet the thought of losing's been hanging, round my mind..."♫

one of my fave songs. and the song i sang last night at goaty's despedida party.yes, after five years of being here in cebu my friend, goaty, will now be heading home to surigao. and so the group from my previous company organized a farewell party.

waited for the entire gang at "the gallery" while savoring a cup of kopi c from "kopi roti". the most delectable cup i've had in months! we then proceeded to fill our ravening selves at "boosog". (had all of that without spending anything. yes, i'm so thankful for having understanding friends. i offered to pay my share on the bill but they wouldn't let me; they knew i'm jobless. HA!)

everyone seemed to be enjoying the night despite the knowledge that after it, we surely will be missing goaty. we were all smiles as we hopped to "crossroads" for a karaoke session at K1. after an hour of dancey tunes, the mood shifted to classic love songs. i don't usually sing but after a few more prodding (and shots of rhum earlier) i grabbed the mic and started singing "lately" by uncle stevie wonder. (okay... i hate to say this but personally, i didn't think i was singing. i was caterwauling!)

half-way thru the song my other good friend, avatar, blurted something that almost had me choke on my saliva.

"i miss digimon! that song just reminds me of him!".

digimon! THE ex! damn, i almost forgot. we share the same set of friends. he's been away for quite some time now. went somewhere in asia- work stuff. and oh, yeah! when we were still an item i remember him singing this song for me(note that the preposition is "for" and not "to" because i would always ask him to perform this piece since i wouldn't sing).

and just like that, memories came flowing. i was struggling to finish the solo but i know better than wearing my heart on my sleeve. uncomfortably, i finished the ballad. i would have wanted to stop but i couldn't.

now, don't get me wrong! i wasn't feeling the pain again or anything. nothing to that effect! it was more of me dealing with the flashbacks, the "what if"s and the "what could have been"s. the pain's gone for as long as i could remember. and the last thing i want is someone who would constantly remind me of the good old days. it was hard pretending nothing happened [when we've broken up and all] in front of friends. let alone tell them to stop recalling bits of the relationship that was.

it was supposed to be goaty's moment. but there i was, too consumed in rubbish thoughts.

next stop was "coffee cat" at i.t. park. i figured a hot coffee mocha would somehow help flush the melancholic vibe. we got a table outside and the group started sharing fun memories and the things they'll miss most with goaty.

in between my sips of coffee and my friends' repartee, i thought:

-digimon and i could have remained friends. but we crossed the line and we made a pretty good disaster...

-we could have told these friends about "us" and they could've helped patch things up or comforted "us" when we needed them. but we could never find the strength to utter a single word then...

-we could have continued pretending that all's well but i guess he couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave the country. and i believe that was a good move. he went away, but he could never pack with him all the pain and haunting memories...


in a few more minutes, i would have my snooze since saturday night. but i'm still nosy-

is "what could have been" really better than "what could never be at all"?





.

on setting standards...

"No matter how you set high standards, fate will eventually trip over you to meet someone who doesn't claim any of your standards, yet becomes someone to teach you that standards are unnecessary."

-got this from MP, my very good friend and textmate for almost a year now. after reading, i paused... and i thought if there really is someone who would or if i ever get to be that "someone" to somebody. will i be changed? or will i get to change someone's standards? pondering.... pondering...

pondering..eering...

nameless faces, faceless names...

it's been days since my last post. i've been quite busy... eerrr... chatting! it's fun. all you need is arm yourself with a nice profile pic (could be yours if you're good looking, or if you're not confident with how you look, you can always use someone else's) and wit to sustain a good conversation and you'll be a surefire hit in the chatroom.

that's been my world for the past three weeks. twenty-one days, fifty-seven chatmates, and countless hellos and "asl" questions [i] ignored- only three stood out. and i'd like to call them my 3Js.

jv- the guy based in bangkok. i don't remember how it started or where he got my ym but two weeks ago, he left a message. buzzed him when i got the chance to go OL and we started chatting. it's been weeks since and i appreciate him always making the first move to chat with me whenever i go online or if i'm unable to log in leaves an off-line message- never fails! he never hesitates to show himself on cam even if he knew i could not let him see me. he calls now and then because he claims that he loves talking to sensible people like me (now i doubt how he defines "sensible". all i do is yack. and yacking is now synonymous to being sensible? jv, dear, let me borrow your dictionary!) and it doesn't end there. in one our conversations, he said that just realized he's falling for me. and he says that up until now. but i wouldn't believe him until i'm sure that his book of word meanings defines love exactly as what i have in my vocabulary.

jerome- the california guy (and now i'm singing with katy perry- "You could travel the world..But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast...Once you party with us... You'll be falling in love...Oooooh oh oooooh...") but really, the line there for him is -"Fine, fresh, fierce...he got it on lock". he's nice and all. but there's still something mysterious about him. i mean, for me, he's too good to be true! and i don't know if it's just me or if it's a natural thing to feel. but usually if someone offered us something really great and we feel like we did nothing to deserve that, we always catechize "what's the catch?". he's probably gonna read this entry so let me ask it directly. jerome, what's the catch honey? (hehehe... i'll expect your answer through ym. and by the way, thank you for reading my blog. i got inspired when you told me you're checking it everyday anticipating for a new post. i'm glad to know you're enjoying it.)

and the third J would have to be... the record holder for the world's longest hair- next to me- and the reigning miss earth(worm), the soon-to-be bride in a Vera Wang original, let's give it up for: "jay almighty"!!! (hahaha... Jay! ayan ha may introduction pa talaga!)

jay- uhhmmm... i have a lot to say about this guy. but at this point, my thoughts are running faster that what my typing speed could catch up. too many words... too many funny stories... too many experiences have been told. and yet there's still more. he's one of the few guys, if not the only, whom i instantly felt connected with. he has the knack for keeping up a great conversation. a superb story teller who never fails to make me laugh every time! he really has the makings of a great friend. (detour: basing on what i wrote above, you might think that i'm all praises for him. but no!. so to even things out, let me confess something. during one of our conversations on the phone, jay farted really loud! and it was disgusting! good thing mobile phones only transmits sounds and not odors. otherwise, i could have killed him with my bad breath for doing such gross act! peace parekoy!)

yes, they were once just nameless faces and faceless names. but now i've come to know them a little better. at this point, they still might be keeping some parts of their identity but it doesn't matter. they might be posers, or might have been using pseudonyms but i don't care because somehow, beyond the names and the faces, they've shared to me something real. i've learned from their stories... laughed at their corny banters... and related to what they've gone through. i felt the honesty and the pureness of their souls and for me, they're strangers no more. thank you guys.

contents: 11.5% alcohol; 4% emo...

went out with two other friends last night. and after three bottles of gilbey's premium strength, the rain unexpectedly poured -really hard that i started searching for noah's number in my phonebook so i could ask him where's the arc just in case the pouring won't stop.

came home soaking wet. it was so quiet and dark i nearly stumbled on the front step. thanks to the occasional lightning that somehow provided visibility of the area.

once in my room, i searched for the switch and turned the lights on. dried myself with a piece of towel and hit the play button on my fave playlist. it's past 1 a.m. and maybe caused by the alcohol, i was feeling emotionally low. i tried calling some friends (yeah,believe me! i have friends... like Jay the Gardener ) but i figured they were already sleeping. or maybe i was just gin catatonic. i let out a sigh and as if on cue, this song played.



good thing the feeling was gone when i woke up. you see, the trouble with drinking is sometimes, it makes you emotionally unstable. and gives you that headache the morning after they call -hangover. Over!

on loving the same person again...

got a call from a close friend today -saxophone girl (SG)- who celebrated her birthday last week all alone in singapore. SG left a month ago and knowing her as a naive lass, i was really happy to hear that she's enjoying her life as a stranger in a strange place. in fact, i'm not just happy- i'm proud of my friend.

i'm really sure that everything's okay until at one point in our conversation, she asked "CP, enough of the fun stuff. can i be myself? i just need to let this out my chest. and i know there's no one else to tell this but you."

and who can say no to a dear friend? i asked her to let it all out. and then there was silence followed by sobs...

it was december of last year when SG's boyfriend who was then working in one of the call centers here in cebu decided to resign and go back home to bacolod to take care of their family business. SG, having been promoted to a much, much higher position decided to stay, thus the start of their LDR. he was her first and although there were gossips about the guy having other flings while they're apart, she chose to believe in his guy and dismissed everything she heard. until she came home and saw for herself that there was truth to the chismis.

long story short- they broke up, she resigned from work, went to singapore and signed a two-year contract at a leading i.t. company.

on her birthday, greetings came in from friends and relatives. the ex didn't even made an effort but ex's cousin did. she sent SG a message with her birthday greetings and a news that would turn SG's world upside down again. the cousin told her that ex and his girl broke up.

sobs were all that came from the other end. i can sense that she was trying to control her crying. and i went on to ask "that's obviously a sad news. but why the tears? shouldn't you be happy that their relationship finally got the karma it deserved?"

"i'm crying because he must've realized now that he left me for the wrong girl." was her answer.

i was boggled. "let him be sad if that's the case. but i don't see why you should cry. i mean, this is supposed to be your sweet day! the day when he'd realize what a fool he's been."

and it dawned on me... "oh no! SG, tell me, are you entertaining thoughts of you and him reconciling?"

"Yes."

for a second, i wanted to end the call! poor stupid friend -i thought. but i was in a good mood and so i decided to listen some more.

"you see, he was really nice and all when we were still together back there in cebu. somehow i thought that if not for the distance, we could still be together now. i just want to show him that i'm here for him, if not as a lover, then as a friend or as whatever it is he wants me to be for him now. and maybe then, just maybe then, he would realize that i'm still the best girl for him."

i was a bit of rude and interrupted. "SG, you were the best girl for him then! we saw how you tried to give him everything. but despite that, he still managed to make a fool of you."

"i know... and thanks for reminding me that CP."

"SG, i and the rest of our friends would want you to love again. but if that happens, we would like you to love someone that can reciprocate the amount of love you give. i know right now, must be so into the thought of getting back together because as what we always hear, love is sweeter the second time around. right?"

"right!."

"but has it ever occurred to you, what becomes of the second heartbreak?"

she didn't answer. and then there were sobs from the other end of the line again...

Abuela

i remember four years ago, at exactly this date, i couldn't sleep. i was still on the night shift at that time and was trying to achieve a horizontal position on broad daylight. but every time i close my eyes, i would envision grandma's face. there was really something that day. i tossed and turned and finally resolved to get up and pay her a visit.

there, was my uncle who came home all the way from the land down under when he heard of her sickness and my tita who was slowly combing grandma's hair as she would always request so she would fall asleep. the moment i entered, i kissed her and asked tita how grandma was. she said she hasn't eaten since supper.

my uncle then, who settled himself -face down- on the wooden bench next to grandmas bed, asked me if i could massage his back. knowing that he hasn't gotten any sleep (he watched over grandma the entire night),i politely obeyed. after about two minutes of kneading, we heard grandma let out a low grunt; i stopped and the three of us in the room looked at each other as if asking -"what was that?!". we were somewhat relieved when we heard her take a deep breath after. i continued massaging uncle's back and tita proceeded to comb grandma's hair again. but we were closely listening to her breathing. she was inhaling calmly now but the intervals in between each breath increased. and then there was a low grunt again and we waited for the next breathing but there was none. i was shocked and so was tita. uncle got up in a heartbeat and shook grandma. he was calling her name, asking her to wake up with a trembling voice. there was no response. and then there were sobs. tears clouded my vision and before i knew it, family, relatives and friends were already there comforting us and saying their prayers. i went over her bed and kissed her but she was already hard and cold. that was my last kiss to one of the most beautiful women i came to know.

i really wanted to write a tribute for her. but i feel like i lack knowledge to be able to tell all of her goodness. and besides, you can't sum up a life in 3,000 characters or more, and i'm not even gonna try. this isn't for her, this is for me. i was hoping that maybe, if i sit and right down that one painful episode i can have some clarity and acceptance. earlier when we were praying on her grave, i realized that the pain is still there and i had to work really hard to keep the tears from falling. right now it's still all muddled and confusing, but i'm trying, Lola, i'm really, really trying.

you belong with me (pink version)

found this nice and funny video months ago. you probably have seen this too. but i just wanna post it here... haaay! dream on! go pink people!

Flunky (reposted)

here's something i wrote after my cake day. this was something i posted on my first blog attempt. the account got hacked (i believe) and i can no longer log in to add some stuff. i have four other posts at Tales@26

Fluky (July 12, 2010)



The day after my 26th birthday was scheduled for my monthly credit card bill payment.

Woke up from heat and heavy sweating due to the power shortage that occurs everyday for 2 hours or so in our place. They termed that "rotating block-out" since to conserve energy, the power providers have taken it upon themselves to cut the supply of electricity for a couple of ours in different places everyday. And may I say that's just a brilliant idea!

Anyhow, I was still a little bit inebriate from last night's drinking but forced to get my butt off my bed and bathed. After all, it was already 10 in the morning.

I traveled 2 hours from home to the city with a cousin and went on to the bank to pay my tab.

Since I don't have much money to splurge, I just went to a nearby mall and ate. After, I decided to go home. Hailed a bus, seated myself comfortably once i was inside and thought that was all for the day. Boring and unproductive.

Until the bus stopped to pick up some more passengers and a young guy, about 19 or 20 of age, sat beside me. He was kinda cute but i resolved to ignore him and fixed my sight outside the small bus window. After a few, i got this uneasy feeling. On my left side, i felt like a pair of eyes is staring at me. I made sure it was true by facing the guy to my left and indeed, he was staring at me. He smirked when our eyes locked and slightly touched my hand while pretending to be scratching his legs.

Since I was trying to live a virginal life, I looked away. I can feel that his eyes were still fixed on me though. I was starting to get conscious and as i always do when i am, wet my dry lips with my tongue. I heard him let out a low but audible moan and then laughed. I wasn't able to hold it anymore. I gestured to feel my bag that's on my lap intentionally brushing his legs in the process. After that, i positioned my hand on my lap, looked at him and looked down on my hands making sure he was following where i was looking. I saw him smile once more and i looked away again. Only this time, my eyes widened as i felt a hand held my left hand that was sitting on my lap. I made a poker face and looked down. It was his hand holding mine. I wanted to stop him but i didn't object. I didn't have the strength to withdraw my hands from his grip. I wanted it. I liked it.

Mindful of the people around that might see what's going on, he covered the locked fingers with his bag. I looked at him again. I looked back. I smiled. He did too.

I was trying to process what was going on but I ended up telling myself "what the F*CK!". I better stop analyzing things and just enjoy this amorphous thing that's happening.

Surprisingly, after what seemed to be seconds he took his hand away and placed it inside his pockets. Took his wallet and got some bills, knocked the steel bar in front of his seat with a coin and the bus stopped. I was glued to my seat. Speechless. Wanting more... but i was just dumbfounded. Astonished of the fact that it just happened so fast. He got off the bus and stood beside the road as if waiting for the bus to leave before he walks away. I kept my eyes outside and as the bus went on, I saw him on the bus window. Standing still. Looking up. I looked down at him and smiled. He flashed his teeth and winked at me.

That was it. It was a short but sweet encounter. Too bad i wasn't able to ask for his number or gave him my digits. But there's always a next time. I'll get ready for the next random encounter.

It's been 6 hours since I go home. But I'm still gleeful from the precipitous event on that homeward-bound bus ride.