to where?

rainy morning...

the first thing i heard when i woke up was the sound of rain landing on the rooftop and some knocking on the glass window. it was pouring hard. and i managed a smile because it seemed that nature is persisting what i have been feeling for days now.

last night, and several evenings before, my mind was cloudy. i felt like a captain manning a ship in zero visibility. i couldn't see where i was going. i couldn't even point out exactly why i decided to sail in the first place.

a month and nine days ago, after i recovered from a recurring fever for six days, i decided not to report back to work. and i've had several reasons- small pay, poor benefits, rotten environment, and including my discovery of some loopholes in the financial statements that i believe were done intentionally to dig up some cash from the company's funds by God knows who!

since i didn't sign a contract with them in the first place, i didn't bother sending in my resignation letter. but i did inform them i'm leaving thru my aunt. i alibied being sick and that i was advised to rest -indefinitely.

[a short backtrack: the company owner, a japanese national, is my aunt's friend. she mentioned me to him, and i was then asked to assist in managing the biz. excited to have some career growth (and my very first day-job), i gave up my post in a call center. i don't know if it was a wise decision but i got lesser pay with a higher position.]

i was working directly with the owner's trusted assistant cum company president. and it's difficult to get a word to the japanese national specially if it has something to deal with exposés involving his assistant. and yet, after he learned about my sudden "disappearance" from the company, he called and wanted to talk to me personally and said that he's still willing to accept me if i decide to go back. i said we would talk one of these days but i can't seem to muster up some courage to face him. i'm afraid i wouldn't know what say, or how to say it, or how not to say anything, when we would be talking.

there are days that i would feel the "wanting" to report back to work. when i'm haunted by the thought of being broke, i would look at my phone and would try to resist the temptation to call and tell them i'm gonna work again. but i have other plans now. i've started my application for an immigrant visa to canada. and i've started training for a home-based online marketing work. at this point, i feel like i have to sacrifice what i want to do now for what i want eventually.

as for san-san, my japanese boss, i know i would have to face him soon and tell him straight to the face that i'm not going back. but just not now. i'll face him whenever i'm ready. and i'm gonna be ready whenever i feel that i am.

a month and nine days ago, i've untied the ropes, pointed my boat into the wind and raised my sails. i left an island in the hope of finding a continent. i'm sailing on rough seas now. there's no piece of land in sight but i know it's there -somewhere.

it was gloomy yesterday. and it's pouring heavily now. there's nothing else to do but to stand through the storm, brave the lightning strikes, and hope. who knows, the sun might just come out tomorrow (annie? is that you?).

whatever happens, happens. and as long as i know my way home, i will be fine.

[Jay, thank you for putting up with my non-sense issues. i value and treasure the guidance coming from a senior manager. we've known each other for barely a month but feels like this friendship kicked off ages ago. surely, you don't have to eat the entire cake to know how it tastes like. here's to a great amity! Hakuna Matata!]

[to my cousin, enigma, thank you. you may be far but i know you feel me. i love you cuz!]