could have been...

♫"Lately I have had this strangest feeling,
with no vivid reasons here to find.
Yet the thought of losing's been hanging, round my mind..."♫

one of my fave songs. and the song i sang last night at goaty's despedida party.yes, after five years of being here in cebu my friend, goaty, will now be heading home to surigao. and so the group from my previous company organized a farewell party.

waited for the entire gang at "the gallery" while savoring a cup of kopi c from "kopi roti". the most delectable cup i've had in months! we then proceeded to fill our ravening selves at "boosog". (had all of that without spending anything. yes, i'm so thankful for having understanding friends. i offered to pay my share on the bill but they wouldn't let me; they knew i'm jobless. HA!)

everyone seemed to be enjoying the night despite the knowledge that after it, we surely will be missing goaty. we were all smiles as we hopped to "crossroads" for a karaoke session at K1. after an hour of dancey tunes, the mood shifted to classic love songs. i don't usually sing but after a few more prodding (and shots of rhum earlier) i grabbed the mic and started singing "lately" by uncle stevie wonder. (okay... i hate to say this but personally, i didn't think i was singing. i was caterwauling!)

half-way thru the song my other good friend, avatar, blurted something that almost had me choke on my saliva.

"i miss digimon! that song just reminds me of him!".

digimon! THE ex! damn, i almost forgot. we share the same set of friends. he's been away for quite some time now. went somewhere in asia- work stuff. and oh, yeah! when we were still an item i remember him singing this song for me(note that the preposition is "for" and not "to" because i would always ask him to perform this piece since i wouldn't sing).

and just like that, memories came flowing. i was struggling to finish the solo but i know better than wearing my heart on my sleeve. uncomfortably, i finished the ballad. i would have wanted to stop but i couldn't.

now, don't get me wrong! i wasn't feeling the pain again or anything. nothing to that effect! it was more of me dealing with the flashbacks, the "what if"s and the "what could have been"s. the pain's gone for as long as i could remember. and the last thing i want is someone who would constantly remind me of the good old days. it was hard pretending nothing happened [when we've broken up and all] in front of friends. let alone tell them to stop recalling bits of the relationship that was.

it was supposed to be goaty's moment. but there i was, too consumed in rubbish thoughts.

next stop was "coffee cat" at i.t. park. i figured a hot coffee mocha would somehow help flush the melancholic vibe. we got a table outside and the group started sharing fun memories and the things they'll miss most with goaty.

in between my sips of coffee and my friends' repartee, i thought:

-digimon and i could have remained friends. but we crossed the line and we made a pretty good disaster...

-we could have told these friends about "us" and they could've helped patch things up or comforted "us" when we needed them. but we could never find the strength to utter a single word then...

-we could have continued pretending that all's well but i guess he couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave the country. and i believe that was a good move. he went away, but he could never pack with him all the pain and haunting memories...


in a few more minutes, i would have my snooze since saturday night. but i'm still nosy-

is "what could have been" really better than "what could never be at all"?





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