i know i've been pretty much boring lately. emotionally low. down. sad. too weak to even get out of bed. and yet i claim that i am in love!. so if you're not in for a long, nonsense yak about online love and flirting, and emotional rants, and exposition of hurtful accounts, you can skip this post. but i promise this will be my last.
i'm writing this at the risk of "him" reading this. i do not wish to solicit pity from you readers. i just want to share what i have been feeling for quite some time now. i'm afraid that if i won't let it out, i will implode. and i don't know what's gonna crop up from that.
*deep breath* and here i go:
it all started well. a few chatting from then "starcybertv" (now starwowtv) chatroom. and with the prodding of my friend jay, i gave my number to NB and we started communicating over the phone. it was followed by several nights of loooooong conversations, of happy laughters, of sweet nothings. and yes, we admitted we were falling for each other.
a day before maria venus raj (22, philippines!) almost grabbed the crown for miss universe, NB was kinda hesitant about having the relationship because it was of the LDR kind (i was hoping it will just be for some time because he said his going back to cebu as soon as some stuff gets ironed out in cagayan). a valid, nevertheless, hurtful point. so i agreed. i stopped communicating but he continued sending me messages everyday.
it was august 26 [to be exact] that he admitted that he can't bear it anymore. he said i've changed since and he missed me, and our talks, and whatnot. he asked to give our up-and-coming relationship another chance. as hard as it is to admit, i fall too easily and by that time [too early on the relationship], i already have stashed some feelings for him -i said yes again.
so we were on again. happy. enjoying the getting-to-know-each-other stage. if i were to base it on that moment, everything looked rosy.
i became so busy with him i can't barely log in to check on my blog. then one afternoon, just when i decided to write something for him, i happen to check on the chatroom (which happen to be on the top right side of this blogspot) and i saw him logged in. he was chatting with people whose names i do not recognize. and that made our first argument. i was jealous. my point was, i've come to know him from that chatroom. we didn't know much about each other then, but we felt like we clicked and boom! we wrapped up as a couple. so him continuously logging in there would be very risky. no!, risky would be an understatement. it's like throwing yourself in an ocean full of hungry sharks -jaws open- eagerly waiting to suck your dick err... tear off your flesh before you could even create a splash on the water. that's the exact reason why i decided not to log back in after we were officially on. there are just so much temptations. but for him, it was otherwise. he dismissed my point as baseless. he said he was just there to chat with old friends. i don't want to sound too possessive or insecure, so with that, i said it's okay. i was hurt, but at some point, i felt i was being mistrustful so i killed the feeling and let him be.
things were getting back to normal a day or three after. but, one wednesday night [more of like thursday dawn] during our exchange, he mentioned that someone messaged him thru downelink. it was a guy from cebu who thought he was still here and told him that he was in a fastfood chain near the address he posted on his profile. he said he tried to call the guy but he wouldn't answer. and then it occured to me!, supposing the guy answered, and he was in cebu, what's gonna happen next?! he said he didn't mean anything by calling. he just wanna know if the guy had a nice voice. but then again, supposing the guy really had a nice voice, what's gonna happen next?! he couldn't give me a convincing answer. i felt bad about it; i dropped the call right there.
i didn't wanna be so dramatic about it but i felt really down. the situation was telling me that the guy i'm loving is so still into flirting. three days passed and there wasn't any communication. then, on a thursday night, i received a message from an unknown number.. it was him telling me that he was using his cousins phone. he thanked me for everything. told me he's going somewhere far, on a mountainous area- like outskirts of the city, to think things over. to put everything behind and to move on with his life. but when i love, i love. and just like that, i resolved to calling him. and we had a short conversation. (i think i mentioned this on a previous entry).
no phone, no internet connection, no conversation. it was like that for a week! it was hard. but i held on to it.
i would have wanted things to be just like that. and that would have been okay. within those days, i was trying to understand. i was trying to love him more. but the fear that he might not come back, fear that he might have some unfavorable realizations after his "soul-searching" trip scared me. and i became paranoid for a while. it was a roller coaster of emotions and it was just too much for me to handle. and i found myself logged in into the chatroom once again. and friends told me NB had chatted with them and asked them to tell me he missed me and that he loves me. hearing those made me happy, but something deep inside couldn't be glad enough. maybe because hearing is different from really feeling what's been heard. i cried because i felt something inside is dying- it was the "me-loving-him emotion". it was on it's deathbed. whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is obviously wrong.
but i didn't want to give up just like that without really trying -trying hard for that matter. so, as foolish as it may seem, i resolved to dialing his number every chance i get of every day despite the fact that he doesn't have a mobile phone at this time.
i had my luck yesterday afternoon. his phone rang! somehow i was glad my efforts didn't prove futile. i rang it twice! i sent a message and i got a reply-
"wla pako fon b, nki insert q. nagw8 q na ma process akng unli. naa man ko rewards so gtudluan q sa akng kauban unsaon pagpa rgstr. hulaton sa nq ma proces na ala pko nagpalod ky ala pa fon. unli ka?"
(i still don't have my phone, baby. i just inserted my simcard [to a friend's phone]. i'm waiting for my unlimited call/text promo subscription to be processed. i have reward points and my friend taught me how to register and use my points. i'll just wait for it to be processed. are you on unli call/text?)
i wasn't. but i was longing to hear his voice and talk to him again. yet more than that, i wanted to have a conversation with him to asses if the feelings were still there. and so i called. he answered the usual way. but i've assessed that he wasn't all ears. i felt he was distracted but i brushed that off and proceeded with the conversation. i learned that he is now working in a hotel, and that there were a lot of hotties in the workplace (he said it jokingly, and, i wasn't jealous- for the record) and that he can't talk to me for long because he is waiting for his workmate and new-found friend to get out from the house so they can proceed to somewhere where they will bond with the rest of the hotel stuff. he said he might go online when he's home.
and so i waited. and online he did!
i logged in and was struggling to ride the disarray of chatters on the room. he seemed to be enjoying all those hi's and hello's and and some blahs from a few nitwits. and i felt my heart ache a bit. it seemed that i have been neglected.
after seven days of no conversation, we only had that 30 minute talk and late night chat and he wasn't prioritizing me at all. but alas! -after i don't know how long- i finally got a private message from him. he told me he's tired and he had to work early the following day. i said i missed him and i love him. and he replied with an i miss you too and i love you too. and it sounded obligatory. then i asked him when can we talk again. he answered "tomorrow. or bisan kanus-a. depende sa mood" (tomorrow. or anytime. depends on the mood).
that was the answer that killed it. the straw that broke the camel's back. i didn't know how to proceed anymore. good thing he said he wanted to rest already and typed exactly as written "gudnyt! miss U, LabX u". and then logged off. i moved my face closer to the monitor and stared at the page for a few more seconds.
then it hit me. the X could be a typo or a hint of what i would soon become to him- an EX! and suddenly i felt my hands, who were then positioned on the keyboard, were wet. i stared up on the ceiling and no it wasn't raining and there wasn't any leak on it. then i i realized- i was crying yet again.
[that dramatic episode on the last part happened last night. right now, i'm still a bit hurt. i realized that for the past days, i've been denying the fact that NB's love for me had waiver. and maybe he's just having a hard time telling me that. i was too blind or i might have refused to see the fact, and it was hurting me in the process. but as they say, happiness is a choice. and i chose to be happy. as a matter of fact, as i am typing this entry, i could clearly see NB chatting and flirting and apparently doing "shows" for his fans on ym. i wanted so badly to interrupt and log in and tell the people in there that he is taken. that he is mine. that he hurt me. but what's the point?! if he is like that, i cannot control him. and stopping him might just put me in a bad light. i just don't want to argue anymore. if he's that, i'll let him be. and if him being like that doesn't make me happy, there is always a way out. so i'm letting go. i have always been a believer of the phrase "it's the lover not the love". and this?! this might just be another attempt at love gone kaput. but i'll keep on loving nonetheless! :)]