someone emailed me and asked me why i don't write in tagalog. it made me think.
"bakit nga ba?"
sa totoo lang, 'di ko alam. kasi kapag nagsusulat ako, naririning ko ang sarili ko na nagsasalita sa loob mismo nang utak ko. kung ano yung naririnig ko mula sa "inner voice", 'yun lang din ang sinusulat ko.
kagaya ngayon, habang sinusulat ko to, tawa ako nang tawa. eh kasi naman, bisaya ako. baloktot ang tagalog. matigas ang dila. kung naririnig n'yo lang ang boses na nagsasalita sa utak ko, tyak matatawa din kayo. parang pinaghalong elizabeth "pesteng yawa" ramsey at annabelle "dong/day" rama. hahaha...
pero sige, paminsan-minsan susubukan ko. salamat sa email "_ _ _ _ _1184@yahoo.com"
but while i'm still running through my tagalog, let me share this tagalog song that i like very much. it's cheesy but i heart it!
.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
intoxicated calculations
a few hours more and it would be october. i just got home from a drinking session under the moonlight with a few childhood friends. the moon was lovely. i stared at it for several minutes and i thought how long it was since i've done it (moon-gazing).
up until this very moment i am still holding the picture of that beautiful glowing ball and it's pale light. so romantic! my heart frisked as i was adoring it's splendor.
and out of the blue (though i had a feeling it's because of the alcohol again) i came up with this thought:
-i fall in love too easily. however, it would take me at least 2 months to get over an ex.
-i believe i'll be saleable until the age of 40 (to people who go for face-value and physique); although i firmly believe i'd be good even after my expiry date to those who are after great companionship ("in fairness" wahaha!).
-if i had 2 past relationships, and i'm presently 26 years old, i could come up with this:
40 (expiration age) - 26 (my current age) = 14 [years i have to market myself]
supposing that the maximum duration of my future relationships would be 4 months, and i would have 2 months of wailing and mending after each relationship, i could come up with this:
4 (trussed time) + 2 (recovering period) = 6 [months spent in every relationship]
so,
12 (months in a year) x 14 (years) = 168 (months i have left to incite people)
then,
168 (available months for lashing) / 6 (months spent in every relationship) = 28
THEREFORE i conclude, that if i limit every relationship to 6 months (inclusive of the recovering period), i could have 28 relationships until i'm 40. if we factor in my 2 past relationships, i would have a total of 40 "love and heartbreak" experiences.
hhhhmmmm.... something worthy of note.
.
up until this very moment i am still holding the picture of that beautiful glowing ball and it's pale light. so romantic! my heart frisked as i was adoring it's splendor.
and out of the blue (though i had a feeling it's because of the alcohol again) i came up with this thought:
-i fall in love too easily. however, it would take me at least 2 months to get over an ex.
-i believe i'll be saleable until the age of 40 (to people who go for face-value and physique); although i firmly believe i'd be good even after my expiry date to those who are after great companionship ("in fairness" wahaha!).
-if i had 2 past relationships, and i'm presently 26 years old, i could come up with this:
40 (expiration age) - 26 (my current age) = 14 [years i have to market myself]
supposing that the maximum duration of my future relationships would be 4 months, and i would have 2 months of wailing and mending after each relationship, i could come up with this:
4 (trussed time) + 2 (recovering period) = 6 [months spent in every relationship]
so,
12 (months in a year) x 14 (years) = 168 (months i have left to incite people)
then,
168 (available months for lashing) / 6 (months spent in every relationship) = 28
THEREFORE i conclude, that if i limit every relationship to 6 months (inclusive of the recovering period), i could have 28 relationships until i'm 40. if we factor in my 2 past relationships, i would have a total of 40 "love and heartbreak" experiences.
hhhhmmmm.... something worthy of note.
.
philo: a fella? or fellator?
i wish i saved the exchange of messages i had with philo (next time i will so i could post it here). he's someone i used to work with some 5 years ago. Philo and my ex (digimon) were my constant chat-mates via our office communicator then. we were great multi-taskers; doing our jobs while endlessly babbling.
we were doing it every working day and it came to a point that digimon got a little jealous and prohibited me from chatting with him. and so, being the love-fool that i was, i stopped it. but, since philo had no idea what was going on, he stopped chatting with me too and started visiting me in my station every single opportunity he had. but then he got an irresistible offer from another company and he left.
we kept our communication though by texting. there wasn't anything special between us. for me, what we have was pure friendship. although, there were times i felt it's more than that [and i wasn't the only one who noticed. digimon won't stop teasing; telling me that philo had something for me but i brushed it off].
philo is one person i could hardly tell what the preference is. at times, i could be judgmental and would have a sure opinion about everybody around me. but philo is just puzzling. he tells me about girls, cars, and gadgets. but at times, we would talk about gender sensitive topics and he would verbalize his opinion like he is one of us. we had countless conversations- personal, thru office communicator, texting, and of course, ym and fb chat (mind you, he would always be the first one to greet whenever i'm online). but i still can't make up my mind on what he is.
and so it came to pass that a month ago, upon learning that i have become a loafer, he insisted that we meet up so we can do some sort of career counseling. and our scheds wouldn't allow it. and just yesterday, we finally agreed- october 10. and i quote "let's meet at around 5pm. we'll have coffee. my treat." and i asked, "what about dinner?". "okay. and the dinner after."
wahahah! promise, his treat would only be coffee and dinner. i'm going home after that. or maybe until he answers if he's a fella or a fellator. kidding!
.
we were doing it every working day and it came to a point that digimon got a little jealous and prohibited me from chatting with him. and so, being the love-fool that i was, i stopped it. but, since philo had no idea what was going on, he stopped chatting with me too and started visiting me in my station every single opportunity he had. but then he got an irresistible offer from another company and he left.
we kept our communication though by texting. there wasn't anything special between us. for me, what we have was pure friendship. although, there were times i felt it's more than that [and i wasn't the only one who noticed. digimon won't stop teasing; telling me that philo had something for me but i brushed it off].
philo is one person i could hardly tell what the preference is. at times, i could be judgmental and would have a sure opinion about everybody around me. but philo is just puzzling. he tells me about girls, cars, and gadgets. but at times, we would talk about gender sensitive topics and he would verbalize his opinion like he is one of us. we had countless conversations- personal, thru office communicator, texting, and of course, ym and fb chat (mind you, he would always be the first one to greet whenever i'm online). but i still can't make up my mind on what he is.
and so it came to pass that a month ago, upon learning that i have become a loafer, he insisted that we meet up so we can do some sort of career counseling. and our scheds wouldn't allow it. and just yesterday, we finally agreed- october 10. and i quote "let's meet at around 5pm. we'll have coffee. my treat." and i asked, "what about dinner?". "okay. and the dinner after."
wahahah! promise, his treat would only be coffee and dinner. i'm going home after that. or maybe until he answers if he's a fella or a fellator. kidding!
.
September mourn
it's the last day of september. i must say time flies even when you're not having fun.
and since it's the last day of the month, i looked back on the events that cropped up as i was riding the "gt express" on my way home today.
i smirked as i remember how dramatic i was with that fragmented love affair. but i admit; i was really affected- slightly. it was my first time to try an online relationship and i almost gave it my all. good thing i'm totally over that schmuck (sorry for the term. that's the exact word i used weeks ago when i was still hurting and bitter. but i'm totally okay now so i guess the term "ex-friend" would be more appropriate).
and as i logged in earlier, i realized i missed my goal for september. i told myself i would post some 20-ish entries for this month. HA! i was dreaming.
it wasn't all failures though. there are a few "private victories" i've experienced. plus a God-sent angel by the name of enigma sent some financial assistance. that made me happy.
but in entirety, my happiness meter is still slightly pointing to the dejected side. looking at it closely, the rotating needle is just a few lines away from the area that indicates happiness. so it isn't that bad after all.
.
and since it's the last day of the month, i looked back on the events that cropped up as i was riding the "gt express" on my way home today.
i smirked as i remember how dramatic i was with that fragmented love affair. but i admit; i was really affected- slightly. it was my first time to try an online relationship and i almost gave it my all. good thing i'm totally over that schmuck (sorry for the term. that's the exact word i used weeks ago when i was still hurting and bitter. but i'm totally okay now so i guess the term "ex-friend" would be more appropriate).
and as i logged in earlier, i realized i missed my goal for september. i told myself i would post some 20-ish entries for this month. HA! i was dreaming.
it wasn't all failures though. there are a few "private victories" i've experienced. plus a God-sent angel by the name of enigma sent some financial assistance. that made me happy.
but in entirety, my happiness meter is still slightly pointing to the dejected side. looking at it closely, the rotating needle is just a few lines away from the area that indicates happiness. so it isn't that bad after all.
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Saturday, September 25, 2010
Sweetest Cousin
i have but a few memories of our childhood. with the fact that you lived in the city and we (me and my sister) grew up in the clan's ancestral home, we never really got to see each other as often. glancing back on our early years, i remember a few summers we spent together. one time my sister and i stayed in your abode and we played with your pink little kitchen set and at some point had a petty fight because you won't let me borrow jennifer (your cute and cuddly baby doll named after that jollibee commercial- “Mommy, nawawala si Jennifer!”). and yes! who would forget that summer when you stayed in our house and we all played atop of the bed when unexpectedly, our bamboo floor gave up and they had to pick us up from underneath. oh! i could still vividly remember the look on our faces then; our lips had gone pale and our hands were shaking. we got scared for a while but then we just laughed about it.
come adolescence and we got busy with too much teenage stuff. at some point, we lost our connection. it was like you went on a hiatus when you stopped showing up with your parents on their regular Sunday visits to lola and lolo's house. i've heard you got busy practicing with your school's DBC and/or doing school stuff. but i didn't mind. i got busy discovering a lot of things about myself at that point as well.
and then the great shock! you were having a baby at age 17. our family's reaction was somehow predictable. they questioned you and so did i. but i must tell you cuz, deep inside, i was smiling at that point. i knew we got busy exploring the same things then and there (we have a slight age gap you know, so i could pretty much relate. HA!). the only difference was you got knocked up while i didn't; i couldn't be. no matter how hard i tried. :)
that was when i started to really admire you for your courage. i know it wasn't easy for you. the uncertainties and the fears that motherhood brings, i've never seen them in you. they said you were too young, too immature to be having a baby. but for me, opting to keep the baby was a big leap you took to be matured enough. but that's all water under the bridge. now, i'm just so proud to have a beautiful cousin who's also a mother of a cute little princess.
you left for canada about 3 years ago. and with your visit last May, i know a lot has changed. you are more responsible now. more sensitive to other's feelings and needs. you've become wiser and stronger. you've truly bloomed from an inexperienced and nonconformist young girl to a compassionate and fine woman that exudes beauty inside and out. and i couldn't be any prouder.
[thank you for keeping in touch (got really teary-eyed with our chat earlier). thank you for the emotional and financial support that you so willingly and proactively give. i know words aren't enough, but i say this with utmost sincerity- Thank You Geng! i love you cuz!)
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the "JV offer"
i was writing the previous post earlier when i got a message from my friend, mwhajul. he told me to check out the messages in the cbox. so i did and found this:
24 Sep 10, 10:31 PM
Jv: Clandestine that's my friendly offer. i will wait for your reply.
24 Sep 10, 07:51 PM
Jv: sorry, if you woul allow me to, i can send it to you. just return it when you get a new one. post your email and i'll message you personally.
24 Sep 10, 07:50 PM
Jv: Clandestine i'm so sorry to hear about your phone. i would allow me to, i have a spare phone that i no longer use. it's the phone i've been using before i got this new one. you can borrow it for now.
this was a response on my "busted" post. Jv, it's a very tempting offer! i would love to say yes but i would rather not. don't get me wrong, okay? i know you only had good intentions but here are my views on this:
1. you might just be playing some sick tricks on me (paranoid much?!). seriously Jv, i just find it hard to believe there are still people out there whose very much willing to extend a helping hand. i can't remember helping someone to this extent so if this is good karma, then it might have boomeranged on the wrong person.
2. i don't have a job right now. well, it's actually more of me not feeling the need to have one anytime soon. but the moment i realized my phone isn't working anymore and i need a replacement, it made me jump the gun. it gave me the push to move and aim to get back to the corporate world. and i'm afraid that if i'll be provided with another phone without working hard for it, i might become dependent and i'm might slack off again.
nevertheless, i would like to say THANK YOU (major, major thank you) for the offer. it's true- people are naturally good and kind.
.
24 Sep 10, 10:31 PM
Jv: Clandestine that's my friendly offer. i will wait for your reply.
24 Sep 10, 07:51 PM
Jv: sorry, if you woul allow me to, i can send it to you. just return it when you get a new one. post your email and i'll message you personally.
24 Sep 10, 07:50 PM
Jv: Clandestine i'm so sorry to hear about your phone. i would allow me to, i have a spare phone that i no longer use. it's the phone i've been using before i got this new one. you can borrow it for now.
this was a response on my "busted" post. Jv, it's a very tempting offer! i would love to say yes but i would rather not. don't get me wrong, okay? i know you only had good intentions but here are my views on this:
1. you might just be playing some sick tricks on me (paranoid much?!). seriously Jv, i just find it hard to believe there are still people out there whose very much willing to extend a helping hand. i can't remember helping someone to this extent so if this is good karma, then it might have boomeranged on the wrong person.
2. i don't have a job right now. well, it's actually more of me not feeling the need to have one anytime soon. but the moment i realized my phone isn't working anymore and i need a replacement, it made me jump the gun. it gave me the push to move and aim to get back to the corporate world. and i'm afraid that if i'll be provided with another phone without working hard for it, i might become dependent and i'm might slack off again.
nevertheless, i would like to say THANK YOU (major, major thank you) for the offer. it's true- people are naturally good and kind.
.
Friday, September 24, 2010
22 candles
yesterday:
i realized that if i want something done, i should make it happen. i should act rather than wait to be acted upon.
i immediately went inside my room after that realization and i pondered. i imagined what i want to happen in my life. and i wrote down goals i want to achieve and things i want to acquire. and it occurred to me... maybe that's why i was so disappointed when i did an evaluation on my life some months ago; i didn't have a set of clear goals and list of things that i wanted to realize and complete. i was just promenading. i worked hard but since i had no clear goals, my efforts were wasted and i didn't get that far.
so there i was, patiently penning down what i call now my new "life purpose". my realization reconfirmed the importance of paradigm shifts; of rescripting my life; of creating changes for the better. the things i wrote would serve as my map as i go on with life. and i'm pretty sure i now know where to go and how to get there this time.
today:
i woke up feeling lighter. the very moment i opened my eyes, i let out a smile and i thanked the Almighty for another chance at making things right.
my imagination was working like crazy! after some time i wasn't thinking about meeting mr. right, or experiencing carnal pleasures with god knows who!; or getting even with people that hurt me. i was so happy to even think about those. for only today i was able to totally grasp the power of imagination. it could take us to planets we never thought could exist. it could help us visualize an uncreated worlds of potential that lie deep within us. i felt like i am so ready to back in the corporate world with the new me.
so at around 2pm i found myself on the portals of the the historic basilica minor del sto. niño. remembering a friends recommendation, i bought 22 candles and uttered my petitions to Him. (a correlated tale: i'm not sure if this is true though, but that friend told me that lighting 22 candles is a jewish tradition done during hanukkah- a "festival of rebirth" and miracles.)
[okay! i didn't personally utter my petitions. i paid an old lady who was selling candle sticks near the basilica. i told her what i wanted to ask from the heavens above, paid her, and stayed by her side as she danced bringing those candles to and fro, up and down, then sideways; while she was murmuring things i assume was her prayers for me. i didn't like the thought that someone would have to do the begging for me. but what can i do? that's the tradition. and i compensated for that and i said my personal little prayer as well. but maybe that needs to be changed too.]
.
i realized that if i want something done, i should make it happen. i should act rather than wait to be acted upon.
i immediately went inside my room after that realization and i pondered. i imagined what i want to happen in my life. and i wrote down goals i want to achieve and things i want to acquire. and it occurred to me... maybe that's why i was so disappointed when i did an evaluation on my life some months ago; i didn't have a set of clear goals and list of things that i wanted to realize and complete. i was just promenading. i worked hard but since i had no clear goals, my efforts were wasted and i didn't get that far.
so there i was, patiently penning down what i call now my new "life purpose". my realization reconfirmed the importance of paradigm shifts; of rescripting my life; of creating changes for the better. the things i wrote would serve as my map as i go on with life. and i'm pretty sure i now know where to go and how to get there this time.
today:
i woke up feeling lighter. the very moment i opened my eyes, i let out a smile and i thanked the Almighty for another chance at making things right.
my imagination was working like crazy! after some time i wasn't thinking about meeting mr. right, or experiencing carnal pleasures with god knows who!; or getting even with people that hurt me. i was so happy to even think about those. for only today i was able to totally grasp the power of imagination. it could take us to planets we never thought could exist. it could help us visualize an uncreated worlds of potential that lie deep within us. i felt like i am so ready to back in the corporate world with the new me.
so at around 2pm i found myself on the portals of the the historic basilica minor del sto. niño. remembering a friends recommendation, i bought 22 candles and uttered my petitions to Him. (a correlated tale: i'm not sure if this is true though, but that friend told me that lighting 22 candles is a jewish tradition done during hanukkah- a "festival of rebirth" and miracles.)
[okay! i didn't personally utter my petitions. i paid an old lady who was selling candle sticks near the basilica. i told her what i wanted to ask from the heavens above, paid her, and stayed by her side as she danced bringing those candles to and fro, up and down, then sideways; while she was murmuring things i assume was her prayers for me. i didn't like the thought that someone would have to do the begging for me. but what can i do? that's the tradition. and i compensated for that and i said my personal little prayer as well. but maybe that needs to be changed too.]
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
my week's sountrack: i'd rather leave while i'm inlove
sometimes you have to walk away... when gripping too hard starts to hurt so much, sometimes it's best to let go... when you can't be happy being together anymore, it's time to turn your back, head on opposite directions, and continue finding your happiness in the arms of someone else...
sometimes others hold on too long that when they decide to end the relationship, roots of bitterness and hatred had penetrated in their hearts. and when that happens, it would be impossible for the pair to become friends for old time's sake. often, bitterness gets the best of us and we blame ourselves for being so stupid; for picking the wrong person. we cry and feel so low. it truly is hard to say goodbye. but isn't that on the other hand, saying "goodbye" means a brand new start? yes, we have to say "goodbye" to someone who had somehow became a part of our lives so we can say "hello" to that one person who would complete us; that very person who would make us whole again after we've been broken into pieces by our past failed relationships.
and yet, sometimes, it's not just enough to have the courage to let go and end things. i believe that it is equally important to know when to leave. love might be gone but while there is still a wisp of that special feeling, while respect and compassion is still in the relationship, it's best to leave...
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Monday, September 20, 2010
busted...
i must say, with a lot of friends around, i'm having a faster recovery from that ruined relationship. an outpouring of support came from my online friends. from my co-bloggers (specially Jay), to the regular guys in "starwowtv" (nesty, mwahjul, ken, andrei, andrew, hornybottom, kyano, cutecebuano, wexki, jigg, and uhm.. happy, where are you?), to some readers i've only known recently (passerby- the guy who left a message on my cbox; i will have another post for you self-righteous bastard! hahaha)
i feel like i'm now completely back on my feet. it was like nothing happened that i wonder every so often if i've ever loved at all. the pain's gone. i would have wanted it so stay longer so i can still dramatically wallow in agony and anger. but i woke up today and it's vanished. God! two night's ago, i was wailing like i was a victim of the manila hostage drama that had a bloody end. i over reacted! [or is it that acceptance wasn't that hard for me?!] i've wasted much tears for nothing. so anyone, puhleez! shoot me! now!
broken heart's mended- easily! i was happy. until another problem occurred.
i was talking to a friend earlier today and suddenly my phone died. i tried turning it on but it wouldn't. since 2005, i've bought 4 phones with my own money. the one i was using earlier was the very first phone i paid for. the succeeding three phones were lost. so i had no choice but to resort to my good old phone. sadly, it retired just like that! and since i don't have any purchasing power right now, it could take some time to get a replacement. what a loathsome way to goad me into finding a job!
right now, i'm cussing! (just in my mind. i occasionally do mental cursing.) who wouldn't?!
first, a broken heart.
then, a busted phone.
what's next? a cracked skull?! c'mon!...
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Saturday, September 18, 2010
truth to be told...
i know i've been pretty much boring lately. emotionally low. down. sad. too weak to even get out of bed. and yet i claim that i am in love!. so if you're not in for a long, nonsense yak about online love and flirting, and emotional rants, and exposition of hurtful accounts, you can skip this post. but i promise this will be my last.
i'm writing this at the risk of "him" reading this. i do not wish to solicit pity from you readers. i just want to share what i have been feeling for quite some time now. i'm afraid that if i won't let it out, i will implode. and i don't know what's gonna crop up from that.
*deep breath* and here i go:
it all started well. a few chatting from then "starcybertv" (now starwowtv) chatroom. and with the prodding of my friend jay, i gave my number to NB and we started communicating over the phone. it was followed by several nights of loooooong conversations, of happy laughters, of sweet nothings. and yes, we admitted we were falling for each other.
a day before maria venus raj (22, philippines!) almost grabbed the crown for miss universe, NB was kinda hesitant about having the relationship because it was of the LDR kind (i was hoping it will just be for some time because he said his going back to cebu as soon as some stuff gets ironed out in cagayan). a valid, nevertheless, hurtful point. so i agreed. i stopped communicating but he continued sending me messages everyday.
it was august 26 [to be exact] that he admitted that he can't bear it anymore. he said i've changed since and he missed me, and our talks, and whatnot. he asked to give our up-and-coming relationship another chance. as hard as it is to admit, i fall too easily and by that time [too early on the relationship], i already have stashed some feelings for him -i said yes again.
so we were on again. happy. enjoying the getting-to-know-each-other stage. if i were to base it on that moment, everything looked rosy.
i became so busy with him i can't barely log in to check on my blog. then one afternoon, just when i decided to write something for him, i happen to check on the chatroom (which happen to be on the top right side of this blogspot) and i saw him logged in. he was chatting with people whose names i do not recognize. and that made our first argument. i was jealous. my point was, i've come to know him from that chatroom. we didn't know much about each other then, but we felt like we clicked and boom! we wrapped up as a couple. so him continuously logging in there would be very risky. no!, risky would be an understatement. it's like throwing yourself in an ocean full of hungry sharks -jaws open- eagerly waiting to suck your dick err... tear off your flesh before you could even create a splash on the water. that's the exact reason why i decided not to log back in after we were officially on. there are just so much temptations. but for him, it was otherwise. he dismissed my point as baseless. he said he was just there to chat with old friends. i don't want to sound too possessive or insecure, so with that, i said it's okay. i was hurt, but at some point, i felt i was being mistrustful so i killed the feeling and let him be.
things were getting back to normal a day or three after. but, one wednesday night [more of like thursday dawn] during our exchange, he mentioned that someone messaged him thru downelink. it was a guy from cebu who thought he was still here and told him that he was in a fastfood chain near the address he posted on his profile. he said he tried to call the guy but he wouldn't answer. and then it occured to me!, supposing the guy answered, and he was in cebu, what's gonna happen next?! he said he didn't mean anything by calling. he just wanna know if the guy had a nice voice. but then again, supposing the guy really had a nice voice, what's gonna happen next?! he couldn't give me a convincing answer. i felt bad about it; i dropped the call right there.
i didn't wanna be so dramatic about it but i felt really down. the situation was telling me that the guy i'm loving is so still into flirting. three days passed and there wasn't any communication. then, on a thursday night, i received a message from an unknown number.. it was him telling me that he was using his cousins phone. he thanked me for everything. told me he's going somewhere far, on a mountainous area- like outskirts of the city, to think things over. to put everything behind and to move on with his life. but when i love, i love. and just like that, i resolved to calling him. and we had a short conversation. (i think i mentioned this on a previous entry).
no phone, no internet connection, no conversation. it was like that for a week! it was hard. but i held on to it.
i would have wanted things to be just like that. and that would have been okay. within those days, i was trying to understand. i was trying to love him more. but the fear that he might not come back, fear that he might have some unfavorable realizations after his "soul-searching" trip scared me. and i became paranoid for a while. it was a roller coaster of emotions and it was just too much for me to handle. and i found myself logged in into the chatroom once again. and friends told me NB had chatted with them and asked them to tell me he missed me and that he loves me. hearing those made me happy, but something deep inside couldn't be glad enough. maybe because hearing is different from really feeling what's been heard. i cried because i felt something inside is dying- it was the "me-loving-him emotion". it was on it's deathbed. whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is obviously wrong.
but i didn't want to give up just like that without really trying -trying hard for that matter. so, as foolish as it may seem, i resolved to dialing his number every chance i get of every day despite the fact that he doesn't have a mobile phone at this time.
i had my luck yesterday afternoon. his phone rang! somehow i was glad my efforts didn't prove futile. i rang it twice! i sent a message and i got a reply-
"wla pako fon b, nki insert q. nagw8 q na ma process akng unli. naa man ko rewards so gtudluan q sa akng kauban unsaon pagpa rgstr. hulaton sa nq ma proces na ala pko nagpalod ky ala pa fon. unli ka?"
(i still don't have my phone, baby. i just inserted my simcard [to a friend's phone]. i'm waiting for my unlimited call/text promo subscription to be processed. i have reward points and my friend taught me how to register and use my points. i'll just wait for it to be processed. are you on unli call/text?)
i wasn't. but i was longing to hear his voice and talk to him again. yet more than that, i wanted to have a conversation with him to asses if the feelings were still there. and so i called. he answered the usual way. but i've assessed that he wasn't all ears. i felt he was distracted but i brushed that off and proceeded with the conversation. i learned that he is now working in a hotel, and that there were a lot of hotties in the workplace (he said it jokingly, and, i wasn't jealous- for the record) and that he can't talk to me for long because he is waiting for his workmate and new-found friend to get out from the house so they can proceed to somewhere where they will bond with the rest of the hotel stuff. he said he might go online when he's home.
and so i waited. and online he did!
i logged in and was struggling to ride the disarray of chatters on the room. he seemed to be enjoying all those hi's and hello's and and some blahs from a few nitwits. and i felt my heart ache a bit. it seemed that i have been neglected.
after seven days of no conversation, we only had that 30 minute talk and late night chat and he wasn't prioritizing me at all. but alas! -after i don't know how long- i finally got a private message from him. he told me he's tired and he had to work early the following day. i said i missed him and i love him. and he replied with an i miss you too and i love you too. and it sounded obligatory. then i asked him when can we talk again. he answered "tomorrow. or bisan kanus-a. depende sa mood" (tomorrow. or anytime. depends on the mood).
that was the answer that killed it. the straw that broke the camel's back. i didn't know how to proceed anymore. good thing he said he wanted to rest already and typed exactly as written "gudnyt! miss U, LabX u". and then logged off. i moved my face closer to the monitor and stared at the page for a few more seconds.
then it hit me. the X could be a typo or a hint of what i would soon become to him- an EX! and suddenly i felt my hands, who were then positioned on the keyboard, were wet. i stared up on the ceiling and no it wasn't raining and there wasn't any leak on it. then i i realized- i was crying yet again.
[that dramatic episode on the last part happened last night. right now, i'm still a bit hurt. i realized that for the past days, i've been denying the fact that NB's love for me had waiver. and maybe he's just having a hard time telling me that. i was too blind or i might have refused to see the fact, and it was hurting me in the process. but as they say, happiness is a choice. and i chose to be happy. as a matter of fact, as i am typing this entry, i could clearly see NB chatting and flirting and apparently doing "shows" for his fans on ym. i wanted so badly to interrupt and log in and tell the people in there that he is taken. that he is mine. that he hurt me. but what's the point?! if he is like that, i cannot control him. and stopping him might just put me in a bad light. i just don't want to argue anymore. if he's that, i'll let him be. and if him being like that doesn't make me happy, there is always a way out. so i'm letting go. i have always been a believer of the phrase "it's the lover not the love". and this?! this might just be another attempt at love gone kaput. but i'll keep on loving nonetheless! :)]
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i'm writing this at the risk of "him" reading this. i do not wish to solicit pity from you readers. i just want to share what i have been feeling for quite some time now. i'm afraid that if i won't let it out, i will implode. and i don't know what's gonna crop up from that.
*deep breath* and here i go:
it all started well. a few chatting from then "starcybertv" (now starwowtv) chatroom. and with the prodding of my friend jay, i gave my number to NB and we started communicating over the phone. it was followed by several nights of loooooong conversations, of happy laughters, of sweet nothings. and yes, we admitted we were falling for each other.
a day before maria venus raj (22, philippines!) almost grabbed the crown for miss universe, NB was kinda hesitant about having the relationship because it was of the LDR kind (i was hoping it will just be for some time because he said his going back to cebu as soon as some stuff gets ironed out in cagayan). a valid, nevertheless, hurtful point. so i agreed. i stopped communicating but he continued sending me messages everyday.
it was august 26 [to be exact] that he admitted that he can't bear it anymore. he said i've changed since and he missed me, and our talks, and whatnot. he asked to give our up-and-coming relationship another chance. as hard as it is to admit, i fall too easily and by that time [too early on the relationship], i already have stashed some feelings for him -i said yes again.
so we were on again. happy. enjoying the getting-to-know-each-other stage. if i were to base it on that moment, everything looked rosy.
i became so busy with him i can't barely log in to check on my blog. then one afternoon, just when i decided to write something for him, i happen to check on the chatroom (which happen to be on the top right side of this blogspot) and i saw him logged in. he was chatting with people whose names i do not recognize. and that made our first argument. i was jealous. my point was, i've come to know him from that chatroom. we didn't know much about each other then, but we felt like we clicked and boom! we wrapped up as a couple. so him continuously logging in there would be very risky. no!, risky would be an understatement. it's like throwing yourself in an ocean full of hungry sharks -jaws open- eagerly waiting to suck your dick err... tear off your flesh before you could even create a splash on the water. that's the exact reason why i decided not to log back in after we were officially on. there are just so much temptations. but for him, it was otherwise. he dismissed my point as baseless. he said he was just there to chat with old friends. i don't want to sound too possessive or insecure, so with that, i said it's okay. i was hurt, but at some point, i felt i was being mistrustful so i killed the feeling and let him be.
things were getting back to normal a day or three after. but, one wednesday night [more of like thursday dawn] during our exchange, he mentioned that someone messaged him thru downelink. it was a guy from cebu who thought he was still here and told him that he was in a fastfood chain near the address he posted on his profile. he said he tried to call the guy but he wouldn't answer. and then it occured to me!, supposing the guy answered, and he was in cebu, what's gonna happen next?! he said he didn't mean anything by calling. he just wanna know if the guy had a nice voice. but then again, supposing the guy really had a nice voice, what's gonna happen next?! he couldn't give me a convincing answer. i felt bad about it; i dropped the call right there.
i didn't wanna be so dramatic about it but i felt really down. the situation was telling me that the guy i'm loving is so still into flirting. three days passed and there wasn't any communication. then, on a thursday night, i received a message from an unknown number.. it was him telling me that he was using his cousins phone. he thanked me for everything. told me he's going somewhere far, on a mountainous area- like outskirts of the city, to think things over. to put everything behind and to move on with his life. but when i love, i love. and just like that, i resolved to calling him. and we had a short conversation. (i think i mentioned this on a previous entry).
no phone, no internet connection, no conversation. it was like that for a week! it was hard. but i held on to it.
i would have wanted things to be just like that. and that would have been okay. within those days, i was trying to understand. i was trying to love him more. but the fear that he might not come back, fear that he might have some unfavorable realizations after his "soul-searching" trip scared me. and i became paranoid for a while. it was a roller coaster of emotions and it was just too much for me to handle. and i found myself logged in into the chatroom once again. and friends told me NB had chatted with them and asked them to tell me he missed me and that he loves me. hearing those made me happy, but something deep inside couldn't be glad enough. maybe because hearing is different from really feeling what's been heard. i cried because i felt something inside is dying- it was the "me-loving-him emotion". it was on it's deathbed. whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is obviously wrong.
but i didn't want to give up just like that without really trying -trying hard for that matter. so, as foolish as it may seem, i resolved to dialing his number every chance i get of every day despite the fact that he doesn't have a mobile phone at this time.
i had my luck yesterday afternoon. his phone rang! somehow i was glad my efforts didn't prove futile. i rang it twice! i sent a message and i got a reply-
"wla pako fon b, nki insert q. nagw8 q na ma process akng unli. naa man ko rewards so gtudluan q sa akng kauban unsaon pagpa rgstr. hulaton sa nq ma proces na ala pko nagpalod ky ala pa fon. unli ka?"
(i still don't have my phone, baby. i just inserted my simcard [to a friend's phone]. i'm waiting for my unlimited call/text promo subscription to be processed. i have reward points and my friend taught me how to register and use my points. i'll just wait for it to be processed. are you on unli call/text?)
i wasn't. but i was longing to hear his voice and talk to him again. yet more than that, i wanted to have a conversation with him to asses if the feelings were still there. and so i called. he answered the usual way. but i've assessed that he wasn't all ears. i felt he was distracted but i brushed that off and proceeded with the conversation. i learned that he is now working in a hotel, and that there were a lot of hotties in the workplace (he said it jokingly, and, i wasn't jealous- for the record) and that he can't talk to me for long because he is waiting for his workmate and new-found friend to get out from the house so they can proceed to somewhere where they will bond with the rest of the hotel stuff. he said he might go online when he's home.
and so i waited. and online he did!
i logged in and was struggling to ride the disarray of chatters on the room. he seemed to be enjoying all those hi's and hello's and and some blahs from a few nitwits. and i felt my heart ache a bit. it seemed that i have been neglected.
after seven days of no conversation, we only had that 30 minute talk and late night chat and he wasn't prioritizing me at all. but alas! -after i don't know how long- i finally got a private message from him. he told me he's tired and he had to work early the following day. i said i missed him and i love him. and he replied with an i miss you too and i love you too. and it sounded obligatory. then i asked him when can we talk again. he answered "tomorrow. or bisan kanus-a. depende sa mood" (tomorrow. or anytime. depends on the mood).
that was the answer that killed it. the straw that broke the camel's back. i didn't know how to proceed anymore. good thing he said he wanted to rest already and typed exactly as written "gudnyt! miss U, LabX u". and then logged off. i moved my face closer to the monitor and stared at the page for a few more seconds.
then it hit me. the X could be a typo or a hint of what i would soon become to him- an EX! and suddenly i felt my hands, who were then positioned on the keyboard, were wet. i stared up on the ceiling and no it wasn't raining and there wasn't any leak on it. then i i realized- i was crying yet again.
[that dramatic episode on the last part happened last night. right now, i'm still a bit hurt. i realized that for the past days, i've been denying the fact that NB's love for me had waiver. and maybe he's just having a hard time telling me that. i was too blind or i might have refused to see the fact, and it was hurting me in the process. but as they say, happiness is a choice. and i chose to be happy. as a matter of fact, as i am typing this entry, i could clearly see NB chatting and flirting and apparently doing "shows" for his fans on ym. i wanted so badly to interrupt and log in and tell the people in there that he is taken. that he is mine. that he hurt me. but what's the point?! if he is like that, i cannot control him. and stopping him might just put me in a bad light. i just don't want to argue anymore. if he's that, i'll let him be. and if him being like that doesn't make me happy, there is always a way out. so i'm letting go. i have always been a believer of the phrase "it's the lover not the love". and this?! this might just be another attempt at love gone kaput. but i'll keep on loving nonetheless! :)]
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Monday, September 13, 2010
odium...
i hate it that i don't have a job to distract me right now.
i hate it that it's pouring hard outside and that this room is dark and cold.
i hate it that you're not around... that you're not even there to talk to.
i hate it that these days, every time my phone beeps or rings it isn't you.
i hate it that almost every time you cross my mind, dusts would get in my eyes and they would start to cry.
damn! i guess i just hate missing you.
.
i hate it that it's pouring hard outside and that this room is dark and cold.
i hate it that you're not around... that you're not even there to talk to.
i hate it that these days, every time my phone beeps or rings it isn't you.
i hate it that almost every time you cross my mind, dusts would get in my eyes and they would start to cry.
damn! i guess i just hate missing you.
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
enchong deed
my day got too boring. i've watched movies, talked to some friends, did a few household chores, and ate anything i could find in the fridge.
tried searching for some old college friends on facebook, twitter, myspace, and friendster. had no luck.
but i unexpectedly found something interesting from myspace. it was enchong dee's profile. turns out, he's not only a pretty face but a sensible person. here's something he wrote on there.
CHANCE OR CHOICE When we meet the right person to love when were at the right place at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice. That's also a chance. The difference is what happens afterward. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back; you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to u.
and i saw these pictures too!
could he be the 'he' he's referring to in the line "If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance." intriguing? nah, just loving him for this. go enchong!
.
tried searching for some old college friends on facebook, twitter, myspace, and friendster. had no luck.
but i unexpectedly found something interesting from myspace. it was enchong dee's profile. turns out, he's not only a pretty face but a sensible person. here's something he wrote on there.
CHANCE OR CHOICE When we meet the right person to love when were at the right place at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice. That's also a chance. The difference is what happens afterward. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back; you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to u.
and i saw these pictures too!
could he be the 'he' he's referring to in the line "If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance." intriguing? nah, just loving him for this. go enchong!
.
my kind of demigod (sweet distraction)
since loverboy is away, i decided to play.
yes! i pushed the 'play' button on the dvd player after i inserted the percy jackson disc.
i've watched the movie plenty of times already and at this stint, i'm not in it to relive the story of the lightning thief; but rather to experience the shudder that logan lerman brings! he never fails. everytime he looks at me with those eyes, flash that shy smile, and stare a second too long at me, i become someone with catatonic schizophrenia. and i'm loving it!
(note: Catatonic Schizophrenia is a rare disease form in which the patient tends to remain in a fixed stupor or position for long periods, periodically yielding to brief spurts of extreme excitement. the only known cause is logan lerman- at least in my case.)
while loverboy is temporarily unavailable, half of my heart longs for him. half! -because percy jackson not only stole the lightning master bolt. he also got the other half of my blood pumping vessel.
by now, loverboy might be dipping in the spring and enjoying the views from the mountains. and i'm here, enjoying a different kind of view...
since loverboy is away, i decided to play- the wholesome way! :P
yes! i pushed the 'play' button on the dvd player after i inserted the percy jackson disc.
i've watched the movie plenty of times already and at this stint, i'm not in it to relive the story of the lightning thief; but rather to experience the shudder that logan lerman brings! he never fails. everytime he looks at me with those eyes, flash that shy smile, and stare a second too long at me, i become someone with catatonic schizophrenia. and i'm loving it!
(note: Catatonic Schizophrenia is a rare disease form in which the patient tends to remain in a fixed stupor or position for long periods, periodically yielding to brief spurts of extreme excitement. the only known cause is logan lerman- at least in my case.)
while loverboy is temporarily unavailable, half of my heart longs for him. half! -because percy jackson not only stole the lightning master bolt. he also got the other half of my blood pumping vessel.
by now, loverboy might be dipping in the spring and enjoying the views from the mountains. and i'm here, enjoying a different kind of view...
since loverboy is away, i decided to play- the wholesome way! :P
the week that was.
this wasn't a good week for us. we had two big debates. but that's all settled now. (i'll spare you the details)
we had not texted/called each other for two days after our last argument.
it was thursday night when i got a message from him thanking me for everything and telling me his leaving for a few days and would be in hiatus from logging in in the chatroom (where he get to communicate with other friends and PLUs), and in texting/calling me. the break from chatting is okay; errr... i've been hoping for that secretly. but him not texting or calling is a big no-no!
i have always been a believer of honest and gentle communication in resolving even the biggest of issues. but since i got angry the last time we talked, i've been stopping myself from doing any form of interaction until we both would have a clearer understanding of each other's view on the issue. truth to be told, it's been rocky for us the entire week; and him leaving and thanking me for everything might mean that this will soon be over. so i replied asking him where he's going; careful not too sound too dramatic. it there was an available emoticon for 'poker face' on my phone, i would have inserted that on the message.
the reply led to a chain of text messages, followed by a quick talk over the phone, and continued through online chatting that lasted until wee small hours. the long and the short of it, we reconciled and cleared things up. but he still had to leave to join the trip to somewhere outskirts of the city though -family stuff.
apparently, the place of destination is not within the coverage area for most mobile networks so there is a possibility that we might not be able to communicate for the entire duration of his trip. i cannot argue on that. so i'll let that be.
now, i'd better go and think of things to do while loverboy is away. *malicious laugh*
.
we had not texted/called each other for two days after our last argument.
it was thursday night when i got a message from him thanking me for everything and telling me his leaving for a few days and would be in hiatus from logging in in the chatroom (where he get to communicate with other friends and PLUs), and in texting/calling me. the break from chatting is okay; errr... i've been hoping for that secretly. but him not texting or calling is a big no-no!
i have always been a believer of honest and gentle communication in resolving even the biggest of issues. but since i got angry the last time we talked, i've been stopping myself from doing any form of interaction until we both would have a clearer understanding of each other's view on the issue. truth to be told, it's been rocky for us the entire week; and him leaving and thanking me for everything might mean that this will soon be over. so i replied asking him where he's going; careful not too sound too dramatic. it there was an available emoticon for 'poker face' on my phone, i would have inserted that on the message.
the reply led to a chain of text messages, followed by a quick talk over the phone, and continued through online chatting that lasted until wee small hours. the long and the short of it, we reconciled and cleared things up. but he still had to leave to join the trip to somewhere outskirts of the city though -family stuff.
apparently, the place of destination is not within the coverage area for most mobile networks so there is a possibility that we might not be able to communicate for the entire duration of his trip. i cannot argue on that. so i'll let that be.
now, i'd better go and think of things to do while loverboy is away. *malicious laugh*
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Wednesday, September 1, 2010
half-boyfriend
love! i smell it! and i'm lost for words. i've been staring on this blank white page for hours! i wanted to right so much more about you; about us; about this thing that we have. i just don't know how to start. and if i start, i'm afraid what i have to say won't be enough to fully capture what i have been feeling lately.
so once again, let me just express it in a song.
(note: the line "you’re a cockblocker, you’re a loudmouth bitch, and a big talker" doesn't apply to you. but the rest does!)
i love you my half-boyfriend! :)
.
so once again, let me just express it in a song.
(note: the line "you’re a cockblocker, you’re a loudmouth bitch, and a big talker" doesn't apply to you. but the rest does!)
i love you my half-boyfriend! :)
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