humming...

this one's for you baby. i can't sing but just listen to your heart and you'll hear my voice. i can't play the guitar but just close your eyes and imagine me strumming for you and you alone. and it goes out like this-





You're a spark of a long forgotten fire...

You're a touch of a slowly growing wind...

You're a taste of the ever-changing seasons

Telling me there are some things that don't end...

We have left all the darkness far behind us...

All those hopes that we held along the way

Have made it to this day...

Like an old love song

Gone for much too long...

You hear it once again

And it carries you away...



.

love and mango float....

it's a day prior to our fiesta celebration and everybody's occupied doing chores, putting things in order and running errands. the neighborhood suddenly turned from ghost town to higgledy-piggledy quarter. and as expected, some houses turned their speakers on for that "private" karaoke session that turned out to be a torture on the eardrums (our nearest neighbor had a daughter who doesn't seem to realize she doesn't have the pipes for singing and keeps on belting songs fit for divas. when she's about to reach those really high notes, she either shouts or caterwauls. HA!)

if you can't stop them, join them! right? so there i was, amidst the chaos (it's an understatement i must say) assembling my mango float while listening to mellow music in full volume! i'm trying to enjoy making my dessert. spreading happiness on every layer of graham crackers; pouring love on every layer of cream; and hoping for sweetness in every slice of mango i put. topped the pile with crushed grahams and it's perfect!

perfect. my life almost is, at this point. after a year of being single, i feel it's about time to take another chance at love. i've redeemed myself from that really bad heartache. right now, i'm prepared. i'm ready to feel that feeling again. i'm ready to take another risk. once more, i'm holding on to a hope that it will be a lasting love this time.

there's someone special right now. we're still in the 'testing the waters' phase but i hope this is really it. i don't want to think about tomorrow or what the future brings. i have today to love and be happy about.

yes, here i am again. smiling... thinking of him... enjoying my mango float... and listening to my all time fave song. i'm sharing it to those who are seeking after love. for those who are just waiting for it to come. to those who found love and to the one's who have been found. hahaha... love rules!

one less worry...

yesterday, i finally faced san-san (my ex-boss). it was the meeting i was dreading to happen. i was afraid that if we talk, everything would turn out bad. i've heard stories from ex-office-mates and some weren't good. but he keeps on sending a word that he wanted to talk to me. and i was getting sick of hiding. i knew sooner or later we would meet somewhere unexpected and that would be awkward. i wouldn't want that.

so there i was on a saturday late afternoon calling his "secretary" trying to book for an appointment, preparing my speech 'til sun down. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and programmed all my systems to battle.

turned out my formulation on how to talk, how to act, etc. were unnecessary. he was all nice and smiling when i faced him. what happened was contradictory to what i've been expecting all along.

i explained about my sudden disappearance and inserted my alibi (sickness) and told him i would submit my resignation asap for formality. but he assured me there isn't any need to do so. instead, he said that if ever i happen to find a new job and i would like it there i could just inform him and that will be fine. he stressed that i would always be welcome to work again for him. given my health condition, i could report for thirty minutes to an hour a day and head home. if i get better, then i could do three- four hours and go home after. and that should apply until i would fully recover and work full-time. he is doing this because according to him, everybody in the company wants me back.

tempting offer. but no, thanks. and it was really nice of them to want me back. but who wouldn't?! i don't wanna brag about what i do or what i'm capable of doing. but there are people in there that's being paid way, way higher than me and yet they barely have any workload. if there's anything under their scope that's tedious, or grueling, or taxing, they pass the load to me reasoning either "i really don't know this but i'm sure you can find a way" or "i'm extremely busy so please be a darling and do it for me".

we had coffee after the talk and san-san told be about his others plans. he's a nice employer. too bad i wasn't happy being his employee anymore. but i'm really glad we had that talk. that was my sort of "closure".

now i can focus on my future plans. i feel light. i have so much hope now. as per my cousin enigma, "fresh start"! don't we all just love having one from time to time?

choices...

according to derek christopher shepherd (of grey's anatomy), the human life is made up of choices. yes or no. in or out. up or down. (i'm adding top or bottom in the choices for PLUs). and then there are the choices that matter. love or hate. to be a hero or to be a coward. to fight or to give in. to live. or die. live or die. that’s the important choice. and it’s not always in our hands.

i'm not going to be mellowdramatic about it. surely, to live or die is not for us to decide. but in a lifetime, we can only have so much choices.

i admire people who live their lives knowing that they have options. people who believe every event of their being is a result of the choices they make, of the decisions and preferences they think would best benefit them. i think highly of them not because they always make the best choices [because there can never be a guarantee of a perfect choice] but because they have the courage to own their lives. these type of people are so strong that even in the deepest pits of shit, they always have control, they always know that there are choices, that there are decisions to be made, and they can always get out of it.

alas, there are people who are aware that they have choices but they don't wanna make them. and more unfortunately, there are some who doesn't even have an idea of their power to make choices at all. they're people with no backbone. too weak to make a stand. always afraid to commit mistakes. they depend on luck to help them run their lives. and when circumstances aren't turning on their side, they blame God, or pass the fault to other people, or to the weather, the frogs, cockroaches, or to whoever and whatever they can think of.

choices... we have them. all we need to do is to choose carefully. and once we've picked one, we should live with it. but then again, we have a choice not to.

mulling over: if being straight and being gay is a choice, is being bisexual a result of not wanting to make a stand? or is it standing by the choice to have more than one option?

[an unrelated tale: i have only 6 registered followers on this blog but lately i've been receiving private messages/comments from people who i never thought would be reading this baloney. but really guys, i could only thank you. i'm happy to know you're enjoying this. please feel free to leave your comments or you can email me at clandestineplanet@gmail.com (hahaha! feeling sikat?!) God bless us all! :) ]




.

to where?

rainy morning...

the first thing i heard when i woke up was the sound of rain landing on the rooftop and some knocking on the glass window. it was pouring hard. and i managed a smile because it seemed that nature is persisting what i have been feeling for days now.

last night, and several evenings before, my mind was cloudy. i felt like a captain manning a ship in zero visibility. i couldn't see where i was going. i couldn't even point out exactly why i decided to sail in the first place.

a month and nine days ago, after i recovered from a recurring fever for six days, i decided not to report back to work. and i've had several reasons- small pay, poor benefits, rotten environment, and including my discovery of some loopholes in the financial statements that i believe were done intentionally to dig up some cash from the company's funds by God knows who!

since i didn't sign a contract with them in the first place, i didn't bother sending in my resignation letter. but i did inform them i'm leaving thru my aunt. i alibied being sick and that i was advised to rest -indefinitely.

[a short backtrack: the company owner, a japanese national, is my aunt's friend. she mentioned me to him, and i was then asked to assist in managing the biz. excited to have some career growth (and my very first day-job), i gave up my post in a call center. i don't know if it was a wise decision but i got lesser pay with a higher position.]

i was working directly with the owner's trusted assistant cum company president. and it's difficult to get a word to the japanese national specially if it has something to deal with exposés involving his assistant. and yet, after he learned about my sudden "disappearance" from the company, he called and wanted to talk to me personally and said that he's still willing to accept me if i decide to go back. i said we would talk one of these days but i can't seem to muster up some courage to face him. i'm afraid i wouldn't know what say, or how to say it, or how not to say anything, when we would be talking.

there are days that i would feel the "wanting" to report back to work. when i'm haunted by the thought of being broke, i would look at my phone and would try to resist the temptation to call and tell them i'm gonna work again. but i have other plans now. i've started my application for an immigrant visa to canada. and i've started training for a home-based online marketing work. at this point, i feel like i have to sacrifice what i want to do now for what i want eventually.

as for san-san, my japanese boss, i know i would have to face him soon and tell him straight to the face that i'm not going back. but just not now. i'll face him whenever i'm ready. and i'm gonna be ready whenever i feel that i am.

a month and nine days ago, i've untied the ropes, pointed my boat into the wind and raised my sails. i left an island in the hope of finding a continent. i'm sailing on rough seas now. there's no piece of land in sight but i know it's there -somewhere.

it was gloomy yesterday. and it's pouring heavily now. there's nothing else to do but to stand through the storm, brave the lightning strikes, and hope. who knows, the sun might just come out tomorrow (annie? is that you?).

whatever happens, happens. and as long as i know my way home, i will be fine.

[Jay, thank you for putting up with my non-sense issues. i value and treasure the guidance coming from a senior manager. we've known each other for barely a month but feels like this friendship kicked off ages ago. surely, you don't have to eat the entire cake to know how it tastes like. here's to a great amity! Hakuna Matata!]

[to my cousin, enigma, thank you. you may be far but i know you feel me. i love you cuz!]

could have been...

♫"Lately I have had this strangest feeling,
with no vivid reasons here to find.
Yet the thought of losing's been hanging, round my mind..."♫

one of my fave songs. and the song i sang last night at goaty's despedida party.yes, after five years of being here in cebu my friend, goaty, will now be heading home to surigao. and so the group from my previous company organized a farewell party.

waited for the entire gang at "the gallery" while savoring a cup of kopi c from "kopi roti". the most delectable cup i've had in months! we then proceeded to fill our ravening selves at "boosog". (had all of that without spending anything. yes, i'm so thankful for having understanding friends. i offered to pay my share on the bill but they wouldn't let me; they knew i'm jobless. HA!)

everyone seemed to be enjoying the night despite the knowledge that after it, we surely will be missing goaty. we were all smiles as we hopped to "crossroads" for a karaoke session at K1. after an hour of dancey tunes, the mood shifted to classic love songs. i don't usually sing but after a few more prodding (and shots of rhum earlier) i grabbed the mic and started singing "lately" by uncle stevie wonder. (okay... i hate to say this but personally, i didn't think i was singing. i was caterwauling!)

half-way thru the song my other good friend, avatar, blurted something that almost had me choke on my saliva.

"i miss digimon! that song just reminds me of him!".

digimon! THE ex! damn, i almost forgot. we share the same set of friends. he's been away for quite some time now. went somewhere in asia- work stuff. and oh, yeah! when we were still an item i remember him singing this song for me(note that the preposition is "for" and not "to" because i would always ask him to perform this piece since i wouldn't sing).

and just like that, memories came flowing. i was struggling to finish the solo but i know better than wearing my heart on my sleeve. uncomfortably, i finished the ballad. i would have wanted to stop but i couldn't.

now, don't get me wrong! i wasn't feeling the pain again or anything. nothing to that effect! it was more of me dealing with the flashbacks, the "what if"s and the "what could have been"s. the pain's gone for as long as i could remember. and the last thing i want is someone who would constantly remind me of the good old days. it was hard pretending nothing happened [when we've broken up and all] in front of friends. let alone tell them to stop recalling bits of the relationship that was.

it was supposed to be goaty's moment. but there i was, too consumed in rubbish thoughts.

next stop was "coffee cat" at i.t. park. i figured a hot coffee mocha would somehow help flush the melancholic vibe. we got a table outside and the group started sharing fun memories and the things they'll miss most with goaty.

in between my sips of coffee and my friends' repartee, i thought:

-digimon and i could have remained friends. but we crossed the line and we made a pretty good disaster...

-we could have told these friends about "us" and they could've helped patch things up or comforted "us" when we needed them. but we could never find the strength to utter a single word then...

-we could have continued pretending that all's well but i guess he couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave the country. and i believe that was a good move. he went away, but he could never pack with him all the pain and haunting memories...


in a few more minutes, i would have my snooze since saturday night. but i'm still nosy-

is "what could have been" really better than "what could never be at all"?





.

on setting standards...

"No matter how you set high standards, fate will eventually trip over you to meet someone who doesn't claim any of your standards, yet becomes someone to teach you that standards are unnecessary."

-got this from MP, my very good friend and textmate for almost a year now. after reading, i paused... and i thought if there really is someone who would or if i ever get to be that "someone" to somebody. will i be changed? or will i get to change someone's standards? pondering.... pondering...

pondering..eering...

nameless faces, faceless names...

it's been days since my last post. i've been quite busy... eerrr... chatting! it's fun. all you need is arm yourself with a nice profile pic (could be yours if you're good looking, or if you're not confident with how you look, you can always use someone else's) and wit to sustain a good conversation and you'll be a surefire hit in the chatroom.

that's been my world for the past three weeks. twenty-one days, fifty-seven chatmates, and countless hellos and "asl" questions [i] ignored- only three stood out. and i'd like to call them my 3Js.

jv- the guy based in bangkok. i don't remember how it started or where he got my ym but two weeks ago, he left a message. buzzed him when i got the chance to go OL and we started chatting. it's been weeks since and i appreciate him always making the first move to chat with me whenever i go online or if i'm unable to log in leaves an off-line message- never fails! he never hesitates to show himself on cam even if he knew i could not let him see me. he calls now and then because he claims that he loves talking to sensible people like me (now i doubt how he defines "sensible". all i do is yack. and yacking is now synonymous to being sensible? jv, dear, let me borrow your dictionary!) and it doesn't end there. in one our conversations, he said that just realized he's falling for me. and he says that up until now. but i wouldn't believe him until i'm sure that his book of word meanings defines love exactly as what i have in my vocabulary.

jerome- the california guy (and now i'm singing with katy perry- "You could travel the world..But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast...Once you party with us... You'll be falling in love...Oooooh oh oooooh...") but really, the line there for him is -"Fine, fresh, fierce...he got it on lock". he's nice and all. but there's still something mysterious about him. i mean, for me, he's too good to be true! and i don't know if it's just me or if it's a natural thing to feel. but usually if someone offered us something really great and we feel like we did nothing to deserve that, we always catechize "what's the catch?". he's probably gonna read this entry so let me ask it directly. jerome, what's the catch honey? (hehehe... i'll expect your answer through ym. and by the way, thank you for reading my blog. i got inspired when you told me you're checking it everyday anticipating for a new post. i'm glad to know you're enjoying it.)

and the third J would have to be... the record holder for the world's longest hair- next to me- and the reigning miss earth(worm), the soon-to-be bride in a Vera Wang original, let's give it up for: "jay almighty"!!! (hahaha... Jay! ayan ha may introduction pa talaga!)

jay- uhhmmm... i have a lot to say about this guy. but at this point, my thoughts are running faster that what my typing speed could catch up. too many words... too many funny stories... too many experiences have been told. and yet there's still more. he's one of the few guys, if not the only, whom i instantly felt connected with. he has the knack for keeping up a great conversation. a superb story teller who never fails to make me laugh every time! he really has the makings of a great friend. (detour: basing on what i wrote above, you might think that i'm all praises for him. but no!. so to even things out, let me confess something. during one of our conversations on the phone, jay farted really loud! and it was disgusting! good thing mobile phones only transmits sounds and not odors. otherwise, i could have killed him with my bad breath for doing such gross act! peace parekoy!)

yes, they were once just nameless faces and faceless names. but now i've come to know them a little better. at this point, they still might be keeping some parts of their identity but it doesn't matter. they might be posers, or might have been using pseudonyms but i don't care because somehow, beyond the names and the faces, they've shared to me something real. i've learned from their stories... laughed at their corny banters... and related to what they've gone through. i felt the honesty and the pureness of their souls and for me, they're strangers no more. thank you guys.

contents: 11.5% alcohol; 4% emo...

went out with two other friends last night. and after three bottles of gilbey's premium strength, the rain unexpectedly poured -really hard that i started searching for noah's number in my phonebook so i could ask him where's the arc just in case the pouring won't stop.

came home soaking wet. it was so quiet and dark i nearly stumbled on the front step. thanks to the occasional lightning that somehow provided visibility of the area.

once in my room, i searched for the switch and turned the lights on. dried myself with a piece of towel and hit the play button on my fave playlist. it's past 1 a.m. and maybe caused by the alcohol, i was feeling emotionally low. i tried calling some friends (yeah,believe me! i have friends... like Jay the Gardener ) but i figured they were already sleeping. or maybe i was just gin catatonic. i let out a sigh and as if on cue, this song played.



good thing the feeling was gone when i woke up. you see, the trouble with drinking is sometimes, it makes you emotionally unstable. and gives you that headache the morning after they call -hangover. Over!

on loving the same person again...

got a call from a close friend today -saxophone girl (SG)- who celebrated her birthday last week all alone in singapore. SG left a month ago and knowing her as a naive lass, i was really happy to hear that she's enjoying her life as a stranger in a strange place. in fact, i'm not just happy- i'm proud of my friend.

i'm really sure that everything's okay until at one point in our conversation, she asked "CP, enough of the fun stuff. can i be myself? i just need to let this out my chest. and i know there's no one else to tell this but you."

and who can say no to a dear friend? i asked her to let it all out. and then there was silence followed by sobs...

it was december of last year when SG's boyfriend who was then working in one of the call centers here in cebu decided to resign and go back home to bacolod to take care of their family business. SG, having been promoted to a much, much higher position decided to stay, thus the start of their LDR. he was her first and although there were gossips about the guy having other flings while they're apart, she chose to believe in his guy and dismissed everything she heard. until she came home and saw for herself that there was truth to the chismis.

long story short- they broke up, she resigned from work, went to singapore and signed a two-year contract at a leading i.t. company.

on her birthday, greetings came in from friends and relatives. the ex didn't even made an effort but ex's cousin did. she sent SG a message with her birthday greetings and a news that would turn SG's world upside down again. the cousin told her that ex and his girl broke up.

sobs were all that came from the other end. i can sense that she was trying to control her crying. and i went on to ask "that's obviously a sad news. but why the tears? shouldn't you be happy that their relationship finally got the karma it deserved?"

"i'm crying because he must've realized now that he left me for the wrong girl." was her answer.

i was boggled. "let him be sad if that's the case. but i don't see why you should cry. i mean, this is supposed to be your sweet day! the day when he'd realize what a fool he's been."

and it dawned on me... "oh no! SG, tell me, are you entertaining thoughts of you and him reconciling?"

"Yes."

for a second, i wanted to end the call! poor stupid friend -i thought. but i was in a good mood and so i decided to listen some more.

"you see, he was really nice and all when we were still together back there in cebu. somehow i thought that if not for the distance, we could still be together now. i just want to show him that i'm here for him, if not as a lover, then as a friend or as whatever it is he wants me to be for him now. and maybe then, just maybe then, he would realize that i'm still the best girl for him."

i was a bit of rude and interrupted. "SG, you were the best girl for him then! we saw how you tried to give him everything. but despite that, he still managed to make a fool of you."

"i know... and thanks for reminding me that CP."

"SG, i and the rest of our friends would want you to love again. but if that happens, we would like you to love someone that can reciprocate the amount of love you give. i know right now, must be so into the thought of getting back together because as what we always hear, love is sweeter the second time around. right?"

"right!."

"but has it ever occurred to you, what becomes of the second heartbreak?"

she didn't answer. and then there were sobs from the other end of the line again...

Abuela

i remember four years ago, at exactly this date, i couldn't sleep. i was still on the night shift at that time and was trying to achieve a horizontal position on broad daylight. but every time i close my eyes, i would envision grandma's face. there was really something that day. i tossed and turned and finally resolved to get up and pay her a visit.

there, was my uncle who came home all the way from the land down under when he heard of her sickness and my tita who was slowly combing grandma's hair as she would always request so she would fall asleep. the moment i entered, i kissed her and asked tita how grandma was. she said she hasn't eaten since supper.

my uncle then, who settled himself -face down- on the wooden bench next to grandmas bed, asked me if i could massage his back. knowing that he hasn't gotten any sleep (he watched over grandma the entire night),i politely obeyed. after about two minutes of kneading, we heard grandma let out a low grunt; i stopped and the three of us in the room looked at each other as if asking -"what was that?!". we were somewhat relieved when we heard her take a deep breath after. i continued massaging uncle's back and tita proceeded to comb grandma's hair again. but we were closely listening to her breathing. she was inhaling calmly now but the intervals in between each breath increased. and then there was a low grunt again and we waited for the next breathing but there was none. i was shocked and so was tita. uncle got up in a heartbeat and shook grandma. he was calling her name, asking her to wake up with a trembling voice. there was no response. and then there were sobs. tears clouded my vision and before i knew it, family, relatives and friends were already there comforting us and saying their prayers. i went over her bed and kissed her but she was already hard and cold. that was my last kiss to one of the most beautiful women i came to know.

i really wanted to write a tribute for her. but i feel like i lack knowledge to be able to tell all of her goodness. and besides, you can't sum up a life in 3,000 characters or more, and i'm not even gonna try. this isn't for her, this is for me. i was hoping that maybe, if i sit and right down that one painful episode i can have some clarity and acceptance. earlier when we were praying on her grave, i realized that the pain is still there and i had to work really hard to keep the tears from falling. right now it's still all muddled and confusing, but i'm trying, Lola, i'm really, really trying.