Mirror, mirror...

This happened 22 years ago but I can still remember it lucidly (Parang it happened five minutes ago lang. hahaha!) Anyway, here’s the story:

Kakagising lang namin ng sisterette  ko nun, mga bandang  4 ng hapon (Kasi yung lola namin nagwawala kapag wala kaming siesta kaya ayon wala kaming magawa kung ‘di pumikit at magkunwaring natutulog hanggang sa tuluyan na nga kaming maidlip). Nag-iinuman sina Pudra sa labas kasama ang mga kumpare nyang walang magawa sa buhay kundi ang lumaklak ng alak at tumira ng pulotan. Palibhasa bagong dating si Papey galing abroad ng mga panahong iyon at marami pang anda! Kaya ayun! Todo lagok ang mga batugan.

Paglabas namin nang bahay ay naglalaro ang ibang pinsan namin sa labas ng piko (mga apat silang mga malalanding batang babae!). Sasali na sana kami nag biglang nag-iba ang peg nang mga mujer! Gustong maglaro ng “Miss Universe” at  eto pa ang matindi- dapat daw kasali ako! Tumanggi ako nung una kaso ayaw nilang pasalihin si sisterette pag hindi ako sumali kaya nagalit si sisterette sabay sambit na sasali ako (ang kakapal nang apog nang mga babaeng yun hindi man lang natakot na kabogin ko sila!).

Kaya ayon “May I roll-up my purontong hanggang maging panty-shorts ang dating” mode ako. I was Candidate #5 representing Brazil at todo rampa ako sa may gilid ang kalye sa tapat nang bahay namin. Kung sa rampa lang, wala silang binatbat sa’kin! Taob na taob ang mga lola! 

Kasunod na yung talent portion at lahat nung nauna sa’kin ay kumanta. Para maiba ako, pinili kung sumayaw ng lambada. Naaalala ko tuwang-tuwa sila habang nagsasayaw ako. Todo kembot at sipa ang beki ng may biglang humablot sa kamay ko sabay hampas nang malakas sa pwet. Biglang tigil ako at napalingon. Kasindak-sindak ang mukha ni Pudra nang nakita ko sabay sigaw sa akin ng “Paaasssooooookkkkk!!!!”. Hindi pa nakuntendo at panay hampas pa sa pwet ko habang papasok kami sa loob ng bahay.

Ang sermon ni Fatheeer: “Bakit ka sumasali dun? BAKLA ka ba? Hindi ka bakla! Lalaki ka! Lalaki!”. Iyak ako ng iyak nun kasi masakit na masakit ang pwetan ko sa lakas nang hampas nang kamay niya. Medyo may kalasingan na din kasi si Papsey nuon. Gusto kung sumagot nang “Akala mo lang lalaki ako pero hindi! Hindi! Hindi!” (Vilma Santos at Carlo Aquino lang naman sana ang peg! Hahaha!). Pero wala na akong magawa nang sumigaw na ng pautos ang Papa Chen ng “Akkyyaaaattttt!!!”.

Dun sa kwarto sa itaas binuhos ko ang sama nang loob ko. Dun ko unang nalaman na sadyang iba ako. Iba ako pero hindi ito maintindihan nang ama ko. Pero ano ang magagawa ko? Anak lang ako at dapat akong sumunod sa kanila. Kaya lang, pano ako bilang ako? Sino ba ang dapat na sumaya at sino ang dapat na mamroblema? 

Sa kalagitnaan nang pagngawa ko napatingin ako sa salamin. Tumayo ako at napatigil sa pag-iyak… Ngumiti. (Baliw?!).. Tinitigan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin at sinimulan kung sumayaw ulit ng lambada. Dun, sa loob nang kwarto natapos ko ang aking “talent portion”. Wala mang ibang nakakita pero alam ko walang sinabi ang mga batang babae sa labas na lantarang ipinapakita ang kanilang galing sa natatago kung galing. Ang galing at tunay kong pagkatao na nailabas at na-appreciate ko… sa harap ang salamin sa loob nang kwarto!

P.S.   I may sound so gay in this writing but trust me, you would never hear me say these words in person. Nagagamit ko lang ang mga kaek-ekan na mga salitang ito within the confines of this blog. Hahaha… 

Songs of the Emotional Jailbird (birthday drama)

It's been months since my last post. I was trying to get a life and got caught up with too many things. But I must say I missed updating this blog. I tried starting anew but I would always look back wishing to just continue what I have started here. 

So here I am on the eve of my 28th birthday trying to get to know myself a little bit more. I figured there could be no better way to do so than to go down memory lane and tell my story from the start. And since it is my birthday (and i'm not gonna cry..) allow me to just have a little drama. Here it is:

He grew up in a small town in the northern part of the landmass. Growing up in an underprivileged  yet somehow decent family, he was molded as a person with a strong patronage to his religion, and a great credence to being able to uplift the family’s social status thru education.

In his early years he knew that he was different. His interests deviated far from the norms of the society. He didn’t know how to handle his emotions and his divergence in his premature years so he ended up pretending to be like the rest. A metaphor would be “A peacock within a pride of lions” -but he became really good at the art of pretension that nobody doubted his true ilk (if there were any they never bothered asking because they were never sure if their inkling was right).

Eventually, as he matured, he settled with the fact that he has been too long hiding in the shadows of deceit that he would no longer be able to detach himself from it. He became the greatest hoax to himself.

Years passed and he is now living on his own in a not so dated apartment in the urban area. Life's adversities had taught him to be flexible yet maintain a strong core. He is docile in the façade but is withholding a serpent within.

He is ME.

An approachable and efficient instructor in the morning, but a writer and a vampire at night (yes I suck, but not blood)! I am a very good son and brother to my family and relatives but I doubt if they would ever think of me that way had they known my dark comings and goings. To my partner, I am the best (as he would always tell me).  I’ve forgiven a lot of his faults and shortcomings in the past. But there is never  true forgiveness unless you get even first, isn’t there?

So what you will see here are my veiled chronicles. These are tales from the renegade’s dark and cold prison cell. The unheard songs of the emotional jailbird…

Thoughts101.2

-I’ve always been told that people are naturally good and that evil lures them do to something bad because evil exults in sin. However, and I don’t mean to sound cynic, every so often I find attestations that some people are naturally wicked and yet they pretend to be righteous. 

-Funny how life gets complicated when you stop for a moment and plan what to do next. Sorting options, calculating the next steps, and creating action plans make your path blurry and narrow. Yet, when you just continue pushing forward and not worry about what you might bump into, that’s when you accomplish more. At times, spontaneity beats preparedness.

Thoughts101.1

In a relationship, you can’t always force the other half to do as you please. You can’t always demand… you can’t always dictate... Things are sweeter when they say it out of their own free will… and actions are more cherished when it’s done from the heart and not because they’ve been told to do so.

Soon...

i want to go somewhere quiet.. somewhere serene...

i want to hear the birds sing in the early morning... the sound of the tranquil water disturbed by the paddle as i propel the boat towards the other end of the lake... i want to feel the gentle wind touch my face as i look up the sky to worship the creator of the spectacular view...

i want to be here...





-Soon.....

scurry

the past few days i've been feeling the need to run. the past 3 weeks specifically, i've been bothered... anxious... it's like i'm running out of time. i'm turning 27 in 14 days. and running is symbolic because deep within, i feel like i need to chase my dreams. i feel like i need to hurry or else i'll end up achieving nothing... i'll be a "has-been"... a looser!

it was 4am and i was up and about. i've pulled out a pair of dusty running shoes and started out walking towards the plaza. when i got there, i paused for a minute to enjoy the view. the sun was rising and it's golden reflection on the calm sea was a fetching view from the sea wall where i was standing. i then closed my eyes, raised my hands, and took a breathfull of the cold salty air.

i started walking on the slightly muddy track of the reclaimed area. i made about 3 rounds of brisk walking and then started jogging. i was planning to jog through the oval for another 3 rounds but something within told me i'm not doing enough. i was thinking of the goals want to achieve again... the things i want to have... the person that i want to be. and before i knew, i was running. i was running fast! at one point, i wanted to stop but my feet wouldn't. i lost count of how many rounds i made.

i was grasping for air, knees trembling, and my heart was pumping real fast when i finally succumbed to the fact that i don't have the stamina to run any longer. i sat on the muddy ground to rest before i collapse- not minding the dirt and the other joggers passing by. i was sweating like a leaked water hydrant.

after about 15 minutes of resting, i finally stood up and decided to head back home. i didn't had warm ups or stretching so i was sore all over. but somehow, i was satisfied. water drained out from my body but my sweat satiated and quenched my emotional and psychological thirst.

it's been a while since i last wore my running shoes. but today, i did. and i'm gonna do it again. i'm just so happy. i personally think i'll be doing a lot of running soon. i have to run real fast towards my dreams. :)

Random Thoughts

-i know i need to sleep for tonight's shift. if i won't get at least 2 hours of sleep now (2:01 pm my time), i'll have have a looonnggg night at the office for sure. it's gonna be hard keeping your eyes open when your mind's not working... when your eyelids are closing how do you keep it up? when your back hurts and you want to lay down and rest it how do you convince yourself you're awake and alert?

-i'm quitting work soon so i have to save up. i need to have enough dough to blow while i process my papers for my Canadian dream. Payday's coming and salary according to my mental calculation will just be enough to last me until the next paycheck. How am I gonna survive? How, how, how? (de carabao?)

-letting go... it's hard. (at least this time it's not on love. for a change!). i'm letting go of my current job to pursue another path which will hopefully give me a better future. it's another risk i'm taking to get yet another chance of fulfilling what i have always wanted to have and where i have always wanted to be. to see what's out THERE! to be THERE!

-one more year's come and gone and nothing's change at all. so i need to do this. i need to sacrifice a little... just a little... if i fall a little, i'll stand up again. if i'll fail a little, i'm gonna dream a little more... if i'll cry a little, i'm gonna smile a little more once the tears are gone. whatever's the outcome of this, at least i can say i tried. and being able to say so is gonna be a big relief- not just a little- HUGE!

-i wanna go to the beach. i'll find time to spend a quite night in the shores one of these days. alone.. with the moonlight reflecting on the calm waters and the cold, salty air touching my face... some quite time to ponder on some deep and personal things and not having to worry about work stuff or the future... sitting on the sand while listening to the sound of the waves breaking on the shore... just thinking of the "here and now". ahhhhhh!!!! what a bliss it would be!

-i wanna... i wanna... sleep! so i'll end this now and have a lie-down.