Hey Puppy Love..

Hey, I thought that it’s unlikely  that I’m thinking about you today.

Unusual but it felt so familiar I can’t help but loiter at the lounge of this emotion.

I remember when we were still babyish we played like there’s no tomorrow.

Those were the days of marbles, cotton candies, and never ending childish delights.

Can you still recall back in high school when you held my hand as we ran towards home one rainy afternoon?

From that day onwards I knew we had something special- I knew you and you knew me more than anyone else.

We started to talk about tomorrow like we had a clue and we built our dreams around each other like we were certain we’d be together forever.

And then something terrible happened- I can’t quite recall.

But it tore us apart… and our story was cut short by that unfortunate, disastrous, ill-timed event. 

Thirteen years after, I saw you again yesterday with your little boy- and he looked just like you!

You’ve clearly moved on as I have. And notably, you went on to realize the dreams we dreamed together- with someone else!

I’m happy for you and I know you are happy for me too. 

However, I am not certain if we can still say so if we would think about yesterday and how we could have ended up together, had only we were stronger.

Today, I look forward to a brighter future… But I’m keeping precious memories. Your smile, your scent, the roses, the letters, the sweet nothings… I will always remember.

Mirror, mirror...

This happened 22 years ago but I can still remember it lucidly (Parang it happened five minutes ago lang. hahaha!) Anyway, here’s the story:

Kakagising lang namin ng sisterette  ko nun, mga bandang  4 ng hapon (Kasi yung lola namin nagwawala kapag wala kaming siesta kaya ayon wala kaming magawa kung ‘di pumikit at magkunwaring natutulog hanggang sa tuluyan na nga kaming maidlip). Nag-iinuman sina Pudra sa labas kasama ang mga kumpare nyang walang magawa sa buhay kundi ang lumaklak ng alak at tumira ng pulotan. Palibhasa bagong dating si Papey galing abroad ng mga panahong iyon at marami pang anda! Kaya ayun! Todo lagok ang mga batugan.

Paglabas namin nang bahay ay naglalaro ang ibang pinsan namin sa labas ng piko (mga apat silang mga malalanding batang babae!). Sasali na sana kami nag biglang nag-iba ang peg nang mga mujer! Gustong maglaro ng “Miss Universe” at  eto pa ang matindi- dapat daw kasali ako! Tumanggi ako nung una kaso ayaw nilang pasalihin si sisterette pag hindi ako sumali kaya nagalit si sisterette sabay sambit na sasali ako (ang kakapal nang apog nang mga babaeng yun hindi man lang natakot na kabogin ko sila!).

Kaya ayon “May I roll-up my purontong hanggang maging panty-shorts ang dating” mode ako. I was Candidate #5 representing Brazil at todo rampa ako sa may gilid ang kalye sa tapat nang bahay namin. Kung sa rampa lang, wala silang binatbat sa’kin! Taob na taob ang mga lola! 

Kasunod na yung talent portion at lahat nung nauna sa’kin ay kumanta. Para maiba ako, pinili kung sumayaw ng lambada. Naaalala ko tuwang-tuwa sila habang nagsasayaw ako. Todo kembot at sipa ang beki ng may biglang humablot sa kamay ko sabay hampas nang malakas sa pwet. Biglang tigil ako at napalingon. Kasindak-sindak ang mukha ni Pudra nang nakita ko sabay sigaw sa akin ng “Paaasssooooookkkkk!!!!”. Hindi pa nakuntendo at panay hampas pa sa pwet ko habang papasok kami sa loob ng bahay.

Ang sermon ni Fatheeer: “Bakit ka sumasali dun? BAKLA ka ba? Hindi ka bakla! Lalaki ka! Lalaki!”. Iyak ako ng iyak nun kasi masakit na masakit ang pwetan ko sa lakas nang hampas nang kamay niya. Medyo may kalasingan na din kasi si Papsey nuon. Gusto kung sumagot nang “Akala mo lang lalaki ako pero hindi! Hindi! Hindi!” (Vilma Santos at Carlo Aquino lang naman sana ang peg! Hahaha!). Pero wala na akong magawa nang sumigaw na ng pautos ang Papa Chen ng “Akkyyaaaattttt!!!”.

Dun sa kwarto sa itaas binuhos ko ang sama nang loob ko. Dun ko unang nalaman na sadyang iba ako. Iba ako pero hindi ito maintindihan nang ama ko. Pero ano ang magagawa ko? Anak lang ako at dapat akong sumunod sa kanila. Kaya lang, pano ako bilang ako? Sino ba ang dapat na sumaya at sino ang dapat na mamroblema? 

Sa kalagitnaan nang pagngawa ko napatingin ako sa salamin. Tumayo ako at napatigil sa pag-iyak… Ngumiti. (Baliw?!).. Tinitigan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin at sinimulan kung sumayaw ulit ng lambada. Dun, sa loob nang kwarto natapos ko ang aking “talent portion”. Wala mang ibang nakakita pero alam ko walang sinabi ang mga batang babae sa labas na lantarang ipinapakita ang kanilang galing sa natatago kung galing. Ang galing at tunay kong pagkatao na nailabas at na-appreciate ko… sa harap ang salamin sa loob nang kwarto!

P.S.   I may sound so gay in this writing but trust me, you would never hear me say these words in person. Nagagamit ko lang ang mga kaek-ekan na mga salitang ito within the confines of this blog. Hahaha… 

Songs of the Emotional Jailbird (birthday drama)

It's been months since my last post. I was trying to get a life and got caught up with too many things. But I must say I missed updating this blog. I tried starting anew but I would always look back wishing to just continue what I have started here. 

So here I am on the eve of my 28th birthday trying to get to know myself a little bit more. I figured there could be no better way to do so than to go down memory lane and tell my story from the start. And since it is my birthday (and i'm not gonna cry..) allow me to just have a little drama. Here it is:

He grew up in a small town in the northern part of the landmass. Growing up in an underprivileged  yet somehow decent family, he was molded as a person with a strong patronage to his religion, and a great credence to being able to uplift the family’s social status thru education.

In his early years he knew that he was different. His interests deviated far from the norms of the society. He didn’t know how to handle his emotions and his divergence in his premature years so he ended up pretending to be like the rest. A metaphor would be “A peacock within a pride of lions” -but he became really good at the art of pretension that nobody doubted his true ilk (if there were any they never bothered asking because they were never sure if their inkling was right).

Eventually, as he matured, he settled with the fact that he has been too long hiding in the shadows of deceit that he would no longer be able to detach himself from it. He became the greatest hoax to himself.

Years passed and he is now living on his own in a not so dated apartment in the urban area. Life's adversities had taught him to be flexible yet maintain a strong core. He is docile in the façade but is withholding a serpent within.

He is ME.

An approachable and efficient instructor in the morning, but a writer and a vampire at night (yes I suck, but not blood)! I am a very good son and brother to my family and relatives but I doubt if they would ever think of me that way had they known my dark comings and goings. To my partner, I am the best (as he would always tell me).  I’ve forgiven a lot of his faults and shortcomings in the past. But there is never  true forgiveness unless you get even first, isn’t there?

So what you will see here are my veiled chronicles. These are tales from the renegade’s dark and cold prison cell. The unheard songs of the emotional jailbird…

Thoughts101.2

-I’ve always been told that people are naturally good and that evil lures them do to something bad because evil exults in sin. However, and I don’t mean to sound cynic, every so often I find attestations that some people are naturally wicked and yet they pretend to be righteous. 

-Funny how life gets complicated when you stop for a moment and plan what to do next. Sorting options, calculating the next steps, and creating action plans make your path blurry and narrow. Yet, when you just continue pushing forward and not worry about what you might bump into, that’s when you accomplish more. At times, spontaneity beats preparedness.

Thoughts101.1

In a relationship, you can’t always force the other half to do as you please. You can’t always demand… you can’t always dictate... Things are sweeter when they say it out of their own free will… and actions are more cherished when it’s done from the heart and not because they’ve been told to do so.