humming...

this one's for you baby. i can't sing but just listen to your heart and you'll hear my voice. i can't play the guitar but just close your eyes and imagine me strumming for you and you alone. and it goes out like this-





You're a spark of a long forgotten fire...

You're a touch of a slowly growing wind...

You're a taste of the ever-changing seasons

Telling me there are some things that don't end...

We have left all the darkness far behind us...

All those hopes that we held along the way

Have made it to this day...

Like an old love song

Gone for much too long...

You hear it once again

And it carries you away...



.

love and mango float....

it's a day prior to our fiesta celebration and everybody's occupied doing chores, putting things in order and running errands. the neighborhood suddenly turned from ghost town to higgledy-piggledy quarter. and as expected, some houses turned their speakers on for that "private" karaoke session that turned out to be a torture on the eardrums (our nearest neighbor had a daughter who doesn't seem to realize she doesn't have the pipes for singing and keeps on belting songs fit for divas. when she's about to reach those really high notes, she either shouts or caterwauls. HA!)

if you can't stop them, join them! right? so there i was, amidst the chaos (it's an understatement i must say) assembling my mango float while listening to mellow music in full volume! i'm trying to enjoy making my dessert. spreading happiness on every layer of graham crackers; pouring love on every layer of cream; and hoping for sweetness in every slice of mango i put. topped the pile with crushed grahams and it's perfect!

perfect. my life almost is, at this point. after a year of being single, i feel it's about time to take another chance at love. i've redeemed myself from that really bad heartache. right now, i'm prepared. i'm ready to feel that feeling again. i'm ready to take another risk. once more, i'm holding on to a hope that it will be a lasting love this time.

there's someone special right now. we're still in the 'testing the waters' phase but i hope this is really it. i don't want to think about tomorrow or what the future brings. i have today to love and be happy about.

yes, here i am again. smiling... thinking of him... enjoying my mango float... and listening to my all time fave song. i'm sharing it to those who are seeking after love. for those who are just waiting for it to come. to those who found love and to the one's who have been found. hahaha... love rules!

one less worry...

yesterday, i finally faced san-san (my ex-boss). it was the meeting i was dreading to happen. i was afraid that if we talk, everything would turn out bad. i've heard stories from ex-office-mates and some weren't good. but he keeps on sending a word that he wanted to talk to me. and i was getting sick of hiding. i knew sooner or later we would meet somewhere unexpected and that would be awkward. i wouldn't want that.

so there i was on a saturday late afternoon calling his "secretary" trying to book for an appointment, preparing my speech 'til sun down. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and programmed all my systems to battle.

turned out my formulation on how to talk, how to act, etc. were unnecessary. he was all nice and smiling when i faced him. what happened was contradictory to what i've been expecting all along.

i explained about my sudden disappearance and inserted my alibi (sickness) and told him i would submit my resignation asap for formality. but he assured me there isn't any need to do so. instead, he said that if ever i happen to find a new job and i would like it there i could just inform him and that will be fine. he stressed that i would always be welcome to work again for him. given my health condition, i could report for thirty minutes to an hour a day and head home. if i get better, then i could do three- four hours and go home after. and that should apply until i would fully recover and work full-time. he is doing this because according to him, everybody in the company wants me back.

tempting offer. but no, thanks. and it was really nice of them to want me back. but who wouldn't?! i don't wanna brag about what i do or what i'm capable of doing. but there are people in there that's being paid way, way higher than me and yet they barely have any workload. if there's anything under their scope that's tedious, or grueling, or taxing, they pass the load to me reasoning either "i really don't know this but i'm sure you can find a way" or "i'm extremely busy so please be a darling and do it for me".

we had coffee after the talk and san-san told be about his others plans. he's a nice employer. too bad i wasn't happy being his employee anymore. but i'm really glad we had that talk. that was my sort of "closure".

now i can focus on my future plans. i feel light. i have so much hope now. as per my cousin enigma, "fresh start"! don't we all just love having one from time to time?

choices...

according to derek christopher shepherd (of grey's anatomy), the human life is made up of choices. yes or no. in or out. up or down. (i'm adding top or bottom in the choices for PLUs). and then there are the choices that matter. love or hate. to be a hero or to be a coward. to fight or to give in. to live. or die. live or die. that’s the important choice. and it’s not always in our hands.

i'm not going to be mellowdramatic about it. surely, to live or die is not for us to decide. but in a lifetime, we can only have so much choices.

i admire people who live their lives knowing that they have options. people who believe every event of their being is a result of the choices they make, of the decisions and preferences they think would best benefit them. i think highly of them not because they always make the best choices [because there can never be a guarantee of a perfect choice] but because they have the courage to own their lives. these type of people are so strong that even in the deepest pits of shit, they always have control, they always know that there are choices, that there are decisions to be made, and they can always get out of it.

alas, there are people who are aware that they have choices but they don't wanna make them. and more unfortunately, there are some who doesn't even have an idea of their power to make choices at all. they're people with no backbone. too weak to make a stand. always afraid to commit mistakes. they depend on luck to help them run their lives. and when circumstances aren't turning on their side, they blame God, or pass the fault to other people, or to the weather, the frogs, cockroaches, or to whoever and whatever they can think of.

choices... we have them. all we need to do is to choose carefully. and once we've picked one, we should live with it. but then again, we have a choice not to.

mulling over: if being straight and being gay is a choice, is being bisexual a result of not wanting to make a stand? or is it standing by the choice to have more than one option?

[an unrelated tale: i have only 6 registered followers on this blog but lately i've been receiving private messages/comments from people who i never thought would be reading this baloney. but really guys, i could only thank you. i'm happy to know you're enjoying this. please feel free to leave your comments or you can email me at clandestineplanet@gmail.com (hahaha! feeling sikat?!) God bless us all! :) ]




.

to where?

rainy morning...

the first thing i heard when i woke up was the sound of rain landing on the rooftop and some knocking on the glass window. it was pouring hard. and i managed a smile because it seemed that nature is persisting what i have been feeling for days now.

last night, and several evenings before, my mind was cloudy. i felt like a captain manning a ship in zero visibility. i couldn't see where i was going. i couldn't even point out exactly why i decided to sail in the first place.

a month and nine days ago, after i recovered from a recurring fever for six days, i decided not to report back to work. and i've had several reasons- small pay, poor benefits, rotten environment, and including my discovery of some loopholes in the financial statements that i believe were done intentionally to dig up some cash from the company's funds by God knows who!

since i didn't sign a contract with them in the first place, i didn't bother sending in my resignation letter. but i did inform them i'm leaving thru my aunt. i alibied being sick and that i was advised to rest -indefinitely.

[a short backtrack: the company owner, a japanese national, is my aunt's friend. she mentioned me to him, and i was then asked to assist in managing the biz. excited to have some career growth (and my very first day-job), i gave up my post in a call center. i don't know if it was a wise decision but i got lesser pay with a higher position.]

i was working directly with the owner's trusted assistant cum company president. and it's difficult to get a word to the japanese national specially if it has something to deal with exposés involving his assistant. and yet, after he learned about my sudden "disappearance" from the company, he called and wanted to talk to me personally and said that he's still willing to accept me if i decide to go back. i said we would talk one of these days but i can't seem to muster up some courage to face him. i'm afraid i wouldn't know what say, or how to say it, or how not to say anything, when we would be talking.

there are days that i would feel the "wanting" to report back to work. when i'm haunted by the thought of being broke, i would look at my phone and would try to resist the temptation to call and tell them i'm gonna work again. but i have other plans now. i've started my application for an immigrant visa to canada. and i've started training for a home-based online marketing work. at this point, i feel like i have to sacrifice what i want to do now for what i want eventually.

as for san-san, my japanese boss, i know i would have to face him soon and tell him straight to the face that i'm not going back. but just not now. i'll face him whenever i'm ready. and i'm gonna be ready whenever i feel that i am.

a month and nine days ago, i've untied the ropes, pointed my boat into the wind and raised my sails. i left an island in the hope of finding a continent. i'm sailing on rough seas now. there's no piece of land in sight but i know it's there -somewhere.

it was gloomy yesterday. and it's pouring heavily now. there's nothing else to do but to stand through the storm, brave the lightning strikes, and hope. who knows, the sun might just come out tomorrow (annie? is that you?).

whatever happens, happens. and as long as i know my way home, i will be fine.

[Jay, thank you for putting up with my non-sense issues. i value and treasure the guidance coming from a senior manager. we've known each other for barely a month but feels like this friendship kicked off ages ago. surely, you don't have to eat the entire cake to know how it tastes like. here's to a great amity! Hakuna Matata!]

[to my cousin, enigma, thank you. you may be far but i know you feel me. i love you cuz!]

could have been...

♫"Lately I have had this strangest feeling,
with no vivid reasons here to find.
Yet the thought of losing's been hanging, round my mind..."♫

one of my fave songs. and the song i sang last night at goaty's despedida party.yes, after five years of being here in cebu my friend, goaty, will now be heading home to surigao. and so the group from my previous company organized a farewell party.

waited for the entire gang at "the gallery" while savoring a cup of kopi c from "kopi roti". the most delectable cup i've had in months! we then proceeded to fill our ravening selves at "boosog". (had all of that without spending anything. yes, i'm so thankful for having understanding friends. i offered to pay my share on the bill but they wouldn't let me; they knew i'm jobless. HA!)

everyone seemed to be enjoying the night despite the knowledge that after it, we surely will be missing goaty. we were all smiles as we hopped to "crossroads" for a karaoke session at K1. after an hour of dancey tunes, the mood shifted to classic love songs. i don't usually sing but after a few more prodding (and shots of rhum earlier) i grabbed the mic and started singing "lately" by uncle stevie wonder. (okay... i hate to say this but personally, i didn't think i was singing. i was caterwauling!)

half-way thru the song my other good friend, avatar, blurted something that almost had me choke on my saliva.

"i miss digimon! that song just reminds me of him!".

digimon! THE ex! damn, i almost forgot. we share the same set of friends. he's been away for quite some time now. went somewhere in asia- work stuff. and oh, yeah! when we were still an item i remember him singing this song for me(note that the preposition is "for" and not "to" because i would always ask him to perform this piece since i wouldn't sing).

and just like that, memories came flowing. i was struggling to finish the solo but i know better than wearing my heart on my sleeve. uncomfortably, i finished the ballad. i would have wanted to stop but i couldn't.

now, don't get me wrong! i wasn't feeling the pain again or anything. nothing to that effect! it was more of me dealing with the flashbacks, the "what if"s and the "what could have been"s. the pain's gone for as long as i could remember. and the last thing i want is someone who would constantly remind me of the good old days. it was hard pretending nothing happened [when we've broken up and all] in front of friends. let alone tell them to stop recalling bits of the relationship that was.

it was supposed to be goaty's moment. but there i was, too consumed in rubbish thoughts.

next stop was "coffee cat" at i.t. park. i figured a hot coffee mocha would somehow help flush the melancholic vibe. we got a table outside and the group started sharing fun memories and the things they'll miss most with goaty.

in between my sips of coffee and my friends' repartee, i thought:

-digimon and i could have remained friends. but we crossed the line and we made a pretty good disaster...

-we could have told these friends about "us" and they could've helped patch things up or comforted "us" when we needed them. but we could never find the strength to utter a single word then...

-we could have continued pretending that all's well but i guess he couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave the country. and i believe that was a good move. he went away, but he could never pack with him all the pain and haunting memories...


in a few more minutes, i would have my snooze since saturday night. but i'm still nosy-

is "what could have been" really better than "what could never be at all"?





.

on setting standards...

"No matter how you set high standards, fate will eventually trip over you to meet someone who doesn't claim any of your standards, yet becomes someone to teach you that standards are unnecessary."

-got this from MP, my very good friend and textmate for almost a year now. after reading, i paused... and i thought if there really is someone who would or if i ever get to be that "someone" to somebody. will i be changed? or will i get to change someone's standards? pondering.... pondering...

pondering..eering...