Random Thoughts

-i know i need to sleep for tonight's shift. if i won't get at least 2 hours of sleep now (2:01 pm my time), i'll have have a looonnggg night at the office for sure. it's gonna be hard keeping your eyes open when your mind's not working... when your eyelids are closing how do you keep it up? when your back hurts and you want to lay down and rest it how do you convince yourself you're awake and alert?

-i'm quitting work soon so i have to save up. i need to have enough dough to blow while i process my papers for my Canadian dream. Payday's coming and salary according to my mental calculation will just be enough to last me until the next paycheck. How am I gonna survive? How, how, how? (de carabao?)

-letting go... it's hard. (at least this time it's not on love. for a change!). i'm letting go of my current job to pursue another path which will hopefully give me a better future. it's another risk i'm taking to get yet another chance of fulfilling what i have always wanted to have and where i have always wanted to be. to see what's out THERE! to be THERE!

-one more year's come and gone and nothing's change at all. so i need to do this. i need to sacrifice a little... just a little... if i fall a little, i'll stand up again. if i'll fail a little, i'm gonna dream a little more... if i'll cry a little, i'm gonna smile a little more once the tears are gone. whatever's the outcome of this, at least i can say i tried. and being able to say so is gonna be a big relief- not just a little- HUGE!

-i wanna go to the beach. i'll find time to spend a quite night in the shores one of these days. alone.. with the moonlight reflecting on the calm waters and the cold, salty air touching my face... some quite time to ponder on some deep and personal things and not having to worry about work stuff or the future... sitting on the sand while listening to the sound of the waves breaking on the shore... just thinking of the "here and now". ahhhhhh!!!! what a bliss it would be!

-i wanna... i wanna... sleep! so i'll end this now and have a lie-down.

Touchdown ClandestinePlanet!

At long last! I have returned!

After over 6 months of disappearance, my feet finally treaded on familiar soil.. and i am just so ecstatic to breath and smell the homey air!

Where i've been to and what i've done is a long story. but i sure did learn a lot of lessons, gained many more new things to cherish and value, acquired new philosophies, gathered many unforgettable memories.

But i've definitely missed this! I miss the carefree person i can be in this little dark planet i have created... here where i can be disheveled and no one would care... where i can express myself without the fear of being judged... here where i can indulge in my guilty pleasures again and again and again without resentment.

Wouldn't it be great if i would just stay here for good?

I just vehemently wish that will be so. But there are things (Earthly things I would say)that i needed to finish, thwarting me from settling here for good.

One thing i promise though- I WILL BE VISITING HERE MORE OFTEN.

AMISHU soooo much my Clandestine Planet!

at 15 (A son's letter to his Dad)

just wanna share this dramatically funny letter to everyone... oh the things you could do when you're young, and innocent, and uhhmmm... clever?!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report Card, That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.


(parang bagsak lang sa school. hahaha!)

my week's soundtrack: why can't it be?

-"it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along..."

my take on that: it's sadder when you're carefree and you found that "right one" yet you can never be because he belonged to someone else.


-"bukas nalang kita mamahalin..."

my take on that: seriously?! do you expect me to wait for you? or even wish that your current relationship will go kaput so i can have my chance with you?! hahaha... sorry but no, i don't think so.


-"torn between two lovers..."

my take on that: grow up! don't be too dramatic. you're confused because you have no backbone. for once, have the courage to know what you want and who you want and then decide. make a choice.

-"why can't it be?..."

my take on that: stop questioning. if you can't be, then you were never meant to be in the first place. quit asking and move on. maybe cry for a while but step forward so you can find that someone you can freely be with.


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the ball

i entered the ballroom and was astounded! the chamber was filled with men in their black ties.

they were dancing the Tennessee Waltz and i was just comfortably looking around- enjoying being a wallflower. and from the dim corner where i stood, i saw him. Prince Charming. he was dancing with his partner but he glanced at me. and i glanced back. he smiled and i smirked.

then i felt something. it was like magnet. though i was resisting the pulling force towards him, he excused himself from the dance-floor and headed toward me. we exchanged pleasantries and instantly felt the connection. we didn't have to talk that much to know we read each other's soul. i have never felt so sure about someone. he hinted me that he was feeling the same.

we were enjoying our little moment when the music played again.it was time for the Rose Dance. he went to get his red rose and walked in the center of the room; his partner waited for him there. suddenly i realized i was no longer enjoying the ball. i should be happy seeing prince charming and his partner dancing the lover's dance but there was just this stinging feeling. and to my surprise, just before prince charming handed the rose to his partner, he picked a petal, went to the point where i was standing and gave the petal to me.

he looked at me with intensity. he didn't have to say the words; his eyes told me everything. and it would have been okay. yet, he opened his mouth and said "i would have wanted you for a partner but you came in too late. and now, i would have to finish the ball with him. otherwise, i would have wanted you to be my partner. i love you but i would have to leave you- for now."

then he walked away. slowly headed off toward his dance partner; gave him the rose, and danced.

and there i was, the wallflower that saw a spark of love and became a damsel-in-distress.

maybe it's time to go home. who knows, outside, i might just bump into my own prince charming during my departure. or maybe, i would just have to wait until i receive another invitation to join yet another ball and find my perfect match.

hoping to write my and-they-lived-happily-ever-after story; if not soon, then maybe someday.


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fleeting love?

sorry. i have to take out the contents of this post out of respect.

although, i banked a copy in my personal folder. as well as the subsequent record of the intense chat i had with "cuddly". i want it to be cherished by me and only ME.

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ooooppppssss! mom did it again

i was oh so determined to live independently and never come back. though i will indisputably miss my room, my bed, and my pillow, i couldn't swallow living under the same roof with someone i dislike.

things were working just fine. matter of fact, i thought not being home was way, way better and cooler than being confined in your own abode. in my tita's dwelling, i get to wake up whenever i want, eat everything that's on the table (food served the moment i open my eyes), stay in bed or watch tv the entire day without getting that you-haven't-done-any-chore-today-so-get-up-and-wash-the-dishes look. i'm loving it! correction: i loved it.

predictably, mom sent me a message. the type that would really hit you right through the deepest pits of your conscience. she said she talked to papa and everything's okay. and just like that, i went home.

i am home. but i have a strong feeling this won't be the last home-coming i'll have. i gave mom a warning though. next time she better come up with a very convincing pretext, the kind that she hasn't used before or i would no longer believe, or pretend to believe her. *sigh* moms! they always have a way to make you melt down.

i'm just thinking what she will come up with the next season?! HA! and BTW, i'm still not talking to the other parasite!



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